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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: confused (as always)
now playing: def leppard-love bites
vocabulary:

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I am wandering around in unchartered territory.

I am not sure what to do about my current situation. There is this guy that I kind of like. (At this point you are sighing and saying, "Jenn, there is always a guy you kinda like," and I concede this is true). This guy I have liked for a very long time. When I say I have liked a guy for a very long time it translates into me liking this guy for a long time and never telling him but somehow deeming that I would never have a chance and then giving up and getting over my "crush."

However, as of late this guy has somehow influenced my choice of employment as well as my living situation, and no this guy is not Jerry, but he does keep pushing me to kick Jerry out. Why would a guy care about Jerry though unless...

I don't know. Any guy who is a close friend would care--Greg, Nathan, Beau true, but this guy is not a close friend. We stayed just close enough friends for a friendship to remain but never really hung out.

Some things have made me think lately that perhaps he may like me. But this guy is a piece of work. I mean, there's a lot of stuff in his life that makes him very much a social turtle. He's not a very open person and it's hard for me to read him. But unlike all of my ex-boyfriends, he's a genuinely sweet guy. So, now there is this dark cloud over my head in that I know I have a chance and knowing I have a chance means I am doomed to fuck it up. I think that when I figure out a guy I like is considering me romantically then I get all freak-out-ish and jump the gun. I feel that now it's safe to "make my move" and what I have not realized is that I don't have a move. It's his turn and the ball is in his court and that control is so hard for me to let go of.

I don't know how to act around him but I know that something has changed. I know I am acting funny.

Unfortunately, the only way to get an honest answer out of him is to kill all of his inhibitions by way of alcohol. I wondered about that. I thought maybe the alcohol was making him say things that he didn't mean when in fact today he told me flat out that him drunk is who he really is and he's trying to find a happy medium between his reserved sober self and his open drunk self. Is that his way of telling me that what he was saying while drunk was indicative of something I am supposed to pick up on?

I don't know. All I know is that for once I am not going to do a damned thing. I am going to heed his advice and kick Jerry out because I think that it's the first step in moving on in my life. Jerry is an anchor that I don't need right now. I need to be free to have friends over and hang out without them having to walk on eggshells.

I hate being confused, but I love the excitement of the uncertain. I know I bitch about not knowing but I think I forget quite often how fun those little adrenaline rushes are.

Ahh well, if you have advice for me, leave it.

Check you later,

Jenn