News

-

"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

---

mood: helpless
now playing: less than jake-shindo
vocabulary: demonstrative

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I woke up, drank some juicy juice, and waited for Kleinschmidt. See, well, we were going to go give blood to get Creed tickets and we knew we'd only get one each and Lisa was going to go but her mom said no so coincidently, both Kleinschmidt and I had decided that we were going to give the ticket to the other to take Lisa to Creed, which was ironic. We both wanted to be self-sacrificing on Lisa's behalf. It made me respect Kleinschmidt a lot, even more than I already did. I think he's as good to her as humanly possible. He reminds me of..me. How? I pick the best person in the world and then pursue him(her in his case) and then when I have him....I am in such awe of him that I am deathly afraid of screwing everything up so I do nothing. I am afraid of being affectionate because 1) I will either be rejected or 2) I'll just be..bad at it, not comfortable enough or whatnot. Then I beat myself up about it until it's too late. I wish there were more people with this problem so we could have an informal support group. I think that it's mean to make fun of someone who has a fear of affection because you just don't know how it feels. It's terrible, it's like the worst possible fear fighting with your greatest desire. Two extremely strong forces battling to your death.

Anywho, we got to Opry Mills and waited in line for an hour and it was worth it because those blood drive people were SLOW. I mean..damn...they also sucked because I have given blood 4 times and yet this time..the blood just stopped..and when they tried to readjust I swear to cheese they stuck the needle clear through the vein because right now I have a blood bubble under my skin and am horribly bruised already.

Then I went to work and...read..as usual. Then I went to Lisa's birthday party.

I have an anger problem if you haven't noticed. If someone offends me in anyway and I feel the person is expendable then I just snap, right then and there and go off in the worst way..all the built of anger in me is released with no thought before the words just pour out. I was offended tonight. Someone hit me below the belt with no chance of self-defense and I just....cried. I sat in my car with the seat down, lying there...crying. It wasn't so much what he said that made me cry but my own self-loathing spurred by what he said. When someone hits you where you don't like yourself..it hurts tenfold. I felt nauseous. No, I wasn't sulking when I came back, I was trying not to cry and the only way to try not to cry is to not pay attention to what's going on around me when what's going on around me is seen as an offensive force. I'm so sorry. I thought secluding myself would be better than crying at your birthday.

Lisa, if I could make everything perfect for you, I would, because you deserve it. You are extremely intelligent(so much more than I), you are admiringly sweet and -patient- as well, you're incredibly funny and cute and witty, and you are beautiful, gorgeous even. You are too beautiful for this ugly world built around you. I wish the same light that you bring to other people's lives could be brought to you but there is no one I have found who can work the sort of magic that you do. You are amazing, and I just want the world to be for you as beautiful as you make it for everyone else. And I mean that from the very bottom of my heart.

I need some sleep.

Check you later,

Jenn