News

-

"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

---

mood: distressed
now playing: zeppelin- whole lotta love
vocabulary:

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I am very frustrated. I don't know how to describe the feeling of hopelessness that I feel. I have barely over a month until I go to another country, another continent where I will be completely and utterly robbed of everyone important to me. It's scary. Granted, Randi will be there and she and I get along great. Granted, Dr. Collier is cool as shit. But a lot of things can change in four months, for the better and for the worse.

I've started to view Gus more realistically. Yes, he is intelligent but can I deal with the extent to which his education goes to? Will I be satisfied with someone who considers Steven Seagal movies as good? That sounds so superficial, but I don't know. I wonder if I make him feel stupid. The other day I was doing a crossword puzzle and I asked for his help and he said, "I'm not smart enough. I don't know all those big words." It made me feel sad. It had not occurred to me that he would even have thoughts like that. Plus, the fact that I have not been able to talk to him about the fact of how often he wants me around bothers me. If I stop being there a lot then Jose will be upset because I am his only friend besides Gus and if I keep being there daily then I feel that I am over-Jenning Gus. I want to give him space without upsetting Jose. I just don't know what to do.

I would say I need to just date other people, but the fact that I am leaving in a month makes it wrong for me to start dating someone. My God I wish I knew what I truly wanted out of life. The sad thing is, I don't think I want anything more than the feeling of belonging. I really don't care what I do for a living, I will either have to do a lot of school and have a fairly easy job or just work really hard for my money at a 9-5'er. I honestly don't care. My main goals in life are to have a house, have a husband, and have kids. I am sure all those feminists out there would look at this and be thoroughly disgusted, but I am not a feminist. I do not want to do those things because I feel it's all I can do. I feel that I could do anything I want to do...and that is what I want to do. So sue me. How did we come from an age where all women did was be housewives to the point where if a woman wants to be a housewife she is a disgrace to womanhood? I don't get it. Whatever.

I need to get ready for church.

Check you later,

Jenn