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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."
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My yesterdays....
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2003-12-18 - 8:09 a.m. -
Oh, oh, there's a solution.
Four months. A lot can happen in four months. I'm scared. I feel as though Gus is finally coming around, but why? I thought that a few days ago and now...who the hell knows? I am afraid to call him because I think I am being annoying. I read the diary entry for the night that I told him I broke up with Jerry for him. The diary entry says that the last thing he said to me before departing was "Don't be scared." That is perhaps the only thing comforting me now. I had a sick dream last night that Jerry came back and was staying for good. Gus and Jose and Jerry are in my dreams a lot, well, I have only been vividly seeing lucid dreams for a couple of weeks now. It's creeping me out. I have odd dreams about people I haven't hung out with in years. I don't understand me. I don't know what to do. I would love to just let myself date other people since I am not sure if Gus will ever come around, but if I were Gus and I found that the girl who claims to totally dig me is dating others then I would be set back even more. Every once in a while I think to myself, "Do I even truly like him?" I start to think about the kinds of movies that we watch and whatnot. Does it matter if he's into sci-fi? I can't remember what initially attracted me to him in the first place..oh yes I can: his kindness, his modesty, his generosity, his patience, his humor, his intelligence...but what would he see in me? The fact that he told me that Paul and Scotty told him how great it was that they can joke around with me and I don't get offended...that means they were talking about me to Gus, as if complimenting Gus. Who do they think I am? How does it make sense to them for me to be there nearly every single day if I were just Gus's brother's ex-girlfriend. Why did Gus tell me that his house is my house? Is that too casual? Are we too close? It's sad because I am going to miss him, but I can't wait to go to Uruguay. I can't wait to be so far removed from everything. I can't wait to be able to have a chance to really truly figure out what's me and what is not. But more importantly, I can't wait to come back, hopefully as someone barely recognizable. Ahh, good times. No more tears. Down there it's just me, the beach, and a freedom I have never felt before. I am so pumped. Anywho, gotta go attempt to sell some books back. Check you later, Jenn |