News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood:
now playing: requiem for a dream-hope overture
vocabulary:

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

Tragedy strikes Franklin again.

I never know what to say. I never know what to do. So people are hurting around me and I just sit and stare and feel like I am stone cold, unable to give comfort.

It hurts anyone to see someone so young and genuinely nice ripped so violently from this Earth, you don't even have to know the person. From just the few interactions I had with the kid I knew he was just nice to everyone around him and from knowing his brother so well I know it probably runs in the family. I hurt for his parents and his friends, so many who are dear to me are hurting and I just wish that somewhere there was some sort of divine intervention. I just look at Trey and Craig and I see how they hurt and I just want to scream 'where is this God of ours?' I think of Dana and I just want to cry because what is she feeling as this moment in time? What is life after something like this happens?

For the first time in a long time I feel a real fear. I am scared to death. I think back to all the stupid things I have intentionally or inadvertently done and how this could just as easily have been me or any one of us and some time in the future it may. It's not her fault. It's not really anyone's fault. But it's going to hurt.

I don't want to drive anyone in my car. The last time I have ever felt like this was when I had to take Araceli home on the night of the wedding in my dad's stick shift (and I hadn't driven a stick in years) and it was pouring down rain and throughout the 45 minutes ride my mind was racing, "Don't kill your brother's future wife, your life would be over." I think even if we were hit by a drunk driver or a just a bad driver then I would still blame myself. We are so quick as humans to pass judgments on ourselves and it makes life a horrid and ugly thing.

I feel wretched. I feel worthless and I have no reason to except for the fact that I am scared and I feel so helpless and that is one of the worst feelings in the world to me. And who am I to feel the victim of inadequacy?

Poor Chris. Poor Trey. Poor Craig. Poor Sean. Poor Patrick. Poor Logan. Poor everyone who was ever touched by the blushing redheaded boy who was always so quiet.

Godammit all.