News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood:
now playing: less than jake-happyman
vocabulary:

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I don't know how I can feel two opposite emotions at the same time. Well, I am feeling a whole spectrum of emotions right now and some of them play well with others and some don't. I am so very angry and I don't know why. It's like I am looking for reasons to feel angry. I am looking for ways I have been wronged or am being wronged and it's unhealthy.

I am very happy, but it's hard to recognize it among the frustration and anger and desire to give up everything. I don't handle failure very well. I would like to say that when I get thrown adversity I am more than capable of overcoming it, but I feel broken. I feel like I am not whole enough to be able to overcome what life is throwing at me.

I try to remember what got me into all of this in the first place and what I was seeking to accomplish. If I am truthful to myself about what I really expected then I am sorely disappointed. If I had been truthful to myself to begin with, truthful and realistic about what would most likely happen then I'd probably not find anything disappointing at all. I like to think of myself as being a highly realistic person, and I hate it when I find myself to act contrary to that belief.

I am so frustrated. Now if I re-evaluate my expectations for the future based on realistic understanding then it just doesn't seem worth the complications.

I am stupid and immature and very sad about it.

And at the same time, I am very happy, and I think the fact that I am happy is the most frustrating of all. Happiness means I am left uninspired and unmotivated to change things, not that there is anything I have control over changing right now anyway. Argh.

I need to just go do some homework.

check you later,
jenn