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News -
"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."
What's up?mood: despondent |
My yesterdays....
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2003-02-21 - 12:51 p.m. -
Going down the only road I've ever known.
I don't know why I feel crappy. No, I do, but I don't want to admit it. I don't want to admit where my constant fear originates and how it makes me feel. I want to be able to sleep, but more sleepless nights make me think that is not likely to be happening any time soon. I wish there were just a way to probe into people's minds and know exactly what they were thinking at any given moment. I would know then. I would know for sure. I could stop worrying.
I feel manipulated again. It's complicated and hard to explain but I feel like when you tell someone you will do something for something and you hold up your end of the bargain then that other person should too. Otherwise there exists debt and that debt builds resentment and other evil feelings and this is the second time. If someone stresses that he/she is going to make up for last time then a repeat of last time is not expected but ohhh nooo, it happened again, just as I feared. That is what I get for trusting. I never will again.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Ha. Ha ha.
"I'm going to be up all night." It was funny at the time but the accuracy of it upsets me.
"I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight now."
What does -that- mean? Gees. So unfeeling. So uncompassionate. Ahhh well. Love overcomes all faults. Love forgives.
I sometimes though..I just want to scream. I try to be so perfect and am blinded by the thought that somehow perfection really can be attained. Somehow if I just work hard enough I will become this person with nothing to worry about because she is perfect, there exists no possible way to ever be deficient.
If I just lose 40 pounds...
Really, it all comes down to me just loving myself. So many problems would be fixed if I'd stop trying to fix "problems."
I should be writing my response to "The Trojan Women" for world lit now...so I am going to do that and stop bitching.
Check you later,
Jenn |