News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood:
now playing: smashing pumpkins- zero
vocabulary:

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

So what is the deal, let's see here.

Yesterday I got off work and then took a pizza to Brock because I said I would sometime. Then I called Gus to see if I had enough time to work out before the movie. He said I did so I went to World's Gym and spent 30 dollars on a 7 day pass. I am insane. I worked out while watching X-Men in the cardio theatre. Then I went home, showered, and drove to my apartment because Cat's car wouldn't start and she had no jumper cables. Then I went to Gus's.

We rode to Cool Springs and there was this one point where Gus needed to get one lane over and when he put his blinker on the woman sort of sped up so he had to speed up just to get over so he could make the turn and the woman evidently followed us and then got next to us at the light and told us to roll the window down. Gus told me to do it, so I did. She started talking about having a car accident where someone in her car died and how he should slow down and he said, "Ma'am, I just needed to get over," and she said, "Then you'll slow down. If you love her, and you love yourself, you'll slow down."

Now why does this always happen to us? I am sure that actual couples go places all the time and people do not feel the need to mention some sort of love relationship. The guy at BP and the woman in the damn Audi caused me great discomfort. With the BP guy I actually corrected him. Last night, I didn't. It would have been even more awkward and there would have been no point. I felt my embarrassment at that and Gus felt his embarrassment at being admonished for his driving. Yes, it was not the safest thing to do, but it was not for kicks or for showing off like she assumed. It was because the woman was a bitch who didn't want to let him over. He went to the bank and took out money.

We got to thoroughbred and it was sold out so we went to Hollywood 27 and the next showing was 9 and it was 7:30 so we hung around and played Ms. Pac Man and Galaga and then watched a whole bunch of previews before the movie. We watched the movie and then went home. I so wanted to bring something up. I wanted to talk to him about it once and for all. I really just wanted to ask him, "Do you think I'm ugly" just to see what conversation would ensue. I felt so terrible last night because he must have mentioned girls being hot several times. He said he hated Carrabba's but the waitress was hot. The night he went to Carrabba's was the night we went to see Bad Boys II and the same ill-fated night that I asked him if I was allowed to be affectionate to him and then he didn't talk to me for about two months because he said I was moving too fast and had just gotten out of a relationship with his brother. Oh, I remember that night as if it were Pearl Harbor because it dropped a bomb on my chances with him. Perhaps it gave him the impression that I just wanted to get him into the sack. But actually, I am just really unaffectionate and was afraid of losing him if there was something he expected me to be doing that I wasn't.

Gotta love how I fuck my own self over. I should not have dated Jerry but I did not know that because he lied about everything. He never said a truthful thing to me. He lied about his age. He lied about Laura. He lied about his family. He lied about his feelings and the way he is. He lied about everything that had any connection to him whatsoever. And I fell for it because curse me, I am a trusting person.

I just need to know once and for all. I need to know if I am turning guys down for nothing, if I am turning guys down to be alone, not because I am going to be with Gus. The only way I can know anything is from Gus. Brock cannot tell me that Gus likes me. Only Gus can do that. I have to work tonight and if it's Tom, then I probably have to close. I can guarantee that Gus will not pick up his phone if I call him after work because it will either be too late and he wants to sleep but it's easier to not answer his phone than to turn me down or because he's actually out with someone else...though not likely. He already told me he's off Sunday but he's hanging out with Mike because it's Mike's birthday. It was like he was explaining to me that we wouldn't be hanging out and why. Why would he need to explain that to me unless I was something more than his brother's ex-girlfriend? I seriously want to slap him sometimes. Even Jerry said the other day, "Maybe my brother will get his head out of his ass someday and you guys can be happy." I wouldn't count on it.

All I can do is tell myself that there will be others, and though I may not think that in comparison they are as good as Gus is, but sometimes we find ourselves surprised.

Now..I have a few hours before work and do I work out or unload all the crap from my apartment? I want to work out but I have a feeling my parents expect me to be unloading. Perhaps though I can do that tomorrow night since I won't be hanging out with Gus for sure. Who knows. I still have a lot of other people important to me right now that I haven't been spending time with, mostly because they don't care to invite me.

I saw Ian and his family at the movies last night and he said, "Jenn!" like he was all excited to see me. The only thing I could think to say while I patted him on the arm was, "Yeah, thanks for inviting me to that party the other day," and he said, "I try."

This last year has made years that I thought pretty good prove to be miserable. It's hard finding out that the people you always depended on are not your friends.

It's hard and it's sad, but it's all a part of life.

I've got to go do something anyway,

check you later,

Jenn