News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: frustrated
now playing: acdc-rock and roll ain't noise pollution
vocabulary: italian salsa

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

So it seems I am back to confused state once again. The whole movies thing was killer. Maybe his distant attitude was due to his being admonished by some woman in an Audi--perhaps it killed his self esteem. Perhaps, like I have said, he just doesn't like me. But if so, I wish he would freakin tell me.

So I told everyone that last night would be the night. We will have the talk. Well, his dad was off work last night so it wasn't going to be just us and I was not about to have a conversation about whether or not he wants me. We started watching Conspiracy Theory on tv (awesome movie btw) and he brought in one of the chairs that my parents gave them and said, "It's my turn to try out the chair" and sat in it...perhaps to avoid sitting on the couch next to me, eventhough he'd been sitting next to me for about a week and half--something I thought to be a huge improvement. Then his dad started falling asleep halfway through and then left to go sleep. So it was just me and him and he stayed for the rest of the movie. I kept saying all sorts of goofy shit just to make him laugh to see if he even would and talked to him during the commercials. He laughed and mostly just said, "Riiiight" because I was talking about weird stuff like discovery zone and the discovery museum and yada yada.

When the movie was over he stood up and said that he had already seen the end but didn't know it because he didn't know what movie it was at the time he was watching it. Good to know that he'd seen a good amount of it already and stayed up with me anyway. He said, "Alright, woman, I'm going to sleep." As he was walking away I said something to him--can't remember what--and he came back and was talking to me and then Jenn says...

Jenn: Gus, do you think I'm stupid?
Gus: Why would I think that?
Jenn: I don't know, sometimes people are just stupid.
Gus: Jenn, you know I don't judge people like that.
Jenn: Do you think I'm annoying?
Gus: Nope.
Jenn: Do you think I'm immature?
Gus: Nope.
Jenn: Do you think I'm irresponsible?
Gus: Nope.
Jenn: Do you think I'm funny?
Gus: I think -I'm- funny.
Jenn: Come on, I got a little bit.
Gus: Yeah, I'm funny.
Jenn: Do you think I'm ugly?
Gus: Oh yes, horribly ugly.
Jenn: I knew it!
Gus: You're butt-ugly.
Jenn: I knew that was it.

Some time elapses where I sit and stare at the ground and Gus does something in the kitchen and then I get up and go to where my stuff is sitting and get a picture of me and give it to him and say, "Hopefully I'm not too ugly for you to still do my portrait."

Gus: Oh yeah, you know, with all this free time I have.
Jenn: You have four months. If you even spend two minutes a day then you could do it.
Gus: Ok, if you know, your ugliness doesn't break my pen.
Jenn: Sweeeet.
Gus: Hey, do me a favor and drop this game off at Blockbuster.
So I say sure and take the game and he says, "Alright woman, drive safely, goodnight, thanks." And as I am going out the door I say, "You're kidding about the ugly thing, right?" in a mock-pathetic voice, and he gives me a look like I am insane and he says goodnight again and I shut the door behind me. I go halfway down the stairs and the door opens behind me and he sticks his head out and says, "Hey! I appreciate it." I said goodnight and then went and cried in my car for a good five minutes before heading to Blockbuster.

I know he was kidding about the ugly thing, but I was upset with myself for not just going through with trying to ask him once and for all. I need to just get it over with. Whether the outcome is good or bad, it is better to know than not to know. There is no difference in knowing now or knowing later, even if the answer is that I will always be his brother's ex-girlfriend, at least I can work on moving on and not spending four months in Uruguay wondering whether I am truly single.

So, perhaps tomorrow. His dad works tomorrow night and I will do -something- to try and make sure we can hang out...somehow.

I think I freaked out Madden's parents. I told Chris if he didn't call me back then I would have to turn stalker on him and I -will- find him and force him to hang out with me. He told me he was pissed at me for going to Uruguay because I wouldn't be in town all semester to hang out with him (eventhough he told me he was going back to school and then decided not to). I told him, "Well, you're not hanging out with me now so how will it be any different?" He said it was because he was working nights and that as soon as Christmas season was over he'd get two days off again and we'd hang out before I leave and yet...nothing. Eric at least called me New Year's Eve and said he was going to Chili's and invited me and said he'd call Chris and lo and behold, Chris didn't answer his phone or return Eric's call because that's what he does now. He's a hermit and I -will- put an end to it. I don't care how depressed he is. He will hang out with me because he's damn cool and just because he can't realize it doesn't mean I can't. Hopefully his parents will tell him I stopped by and that will spur him into calling me back for once....maybe. Poor guy. If that doesn't work...he works Tuesday night and I will be there when he goes in promptly at 10 pm and we -will- set a date to hang out before I leave. Oh, woe is me.

Anywho, time to go do -something-.

Check you later,

Jenn