News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood:
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vocabulary:

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

It's always interesting the things that people expect will get a reaction out of you. I love it when people say, "Now I don't want to freak you out or anything...." or "Now you're going to think I'm really weird, but.."

The statement automatically sets an unsurmountable expectation because if the said person is close to you in any way then you had probably figured out what they are about to you previously and the whole conversation is merely a confirmation and no new information. It's like you have a foggy outline and they are just filling in the details.

There are certain vibes people give off that paint them as someone who has done a certain something. I would meet friends and have some sort of instant connection with them and then find out months or even years later that they had similar life experiences as I did whether tragic, happy, or just plain odd. It's like we're all walking profiles, mere shadows of the things that have happened in our lives and we can identify people with similar profiles.

When you have a close friend it's like everything he/she has ever done is everpresent and just waiting for you to tune in like little psyche air waves. However, the accuracy of the vibes you give off are relative to how well the person picking up on them can interpret them. Sometimes we as humans do things that are out of character merely because they are out of character and then our vibes are all messed up. After I shaved my head I got offered more drugs and got asked by more people for a light at concerts. I didn't smoke. I was absolutely straight edge. Life is interesting.

So last night at 2 in the morning we were simultaneously crying our eyes out. He probably thought I was crying because of the wave of emotions that must be present at such shocking news. In actuality, I'd known all along and was just waiting until I'd know for sure. Why was I crying? I was thinking of all the things that I want in life and realizing that I will never allow myself to have them. We were both crying out of self hatred.

I don't ever want to be assured that upon someone's future suicide it will not be my fault, though I could see myself telling somone that. I can remember myself having said that before and I am still here. I am still dragging my feet, kicking and screaming and throwing a temper tantrum all the way down my own timeline, waiting to fall off the end.

So where do I go from here? I'm not sure. Confusion is a welcome feeling because there is no answer. When you are feeling confusion it's really not the one feeling of confusion but the inability to pin down one of the many emotions you are feeling at once and if you even try to pick one emotion to focus on then the others swell, feeling neglected like an infected wound until it's absolutely necessary to amputate and then you lose a part of yourself.

I hate it when I get into these periods where my writing is all incoherent and essentially meaningless to anyone but me beause no one else knows what the fuck I am trying to say. Well, perhaps I really don't know either.

The fact that I am applying for a car loan tomorrow is a sign. I don't like leaving unfinished business.

Speaking of unfinished business, I have several hundred pages left of the 5th Harry Potter book.

Check you later,

Jenn