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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

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My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

Seeing him was too much for me. I knew when I saw him today that he is who I want and have wanted for a long time. I know that it's insane because I know I can't have him but regardless of all that, I have integrity. I know that it is not right to stay with someone when you are having feelings this strong for someone else. It's just not right.

The only problem is that now there is no way I can be with who I want to be with and that means that once it's over between us I can't be with the other guy so all I can be is alone. I daresay I drank enough tonight. I was loosening up so I could talk about this with someone. I talked about it with probably the worst possible person but I just needed some female advice, some older female advice, some older, female, and married advice.

She told me what I wanted to hear, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's the truth. I sure hope it is though because I have so much pent up desire and emotion for this certain individual that if I can't let it out in some way I will explode.

Every guy I date in the future I will constantly be measuring him to unbeatable standards. I will be putting him side by side with a guy who is pretty much perfect. I am not the only one who thinks so, the older, married female told me that she wants him too oddly enough. Gees. Boy do I have terrible luck with guys.

I should just give up. I'm not saying I should play ball for the other team, I am saying that I should accept that I am never going to find a guy who I love and who loves me back and who treats me the way I treat guys. I am so frustrated. I have been wasting my good girlfriendness on smeone who doesn't appreciate it, on someone who is infuriated when I do nice things for him. Wtf?

I can't win.

I just can't win.