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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

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My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

Sometimes when you think life is just about to get good, it disappoints you.

Sometimes when you think life is disappointing you, it's really just fear of the unknown.

I'm scared. I am scared because I don't know what I will do if things don't work out. I was very happy yesterday. I was floating on air. Close to the last thing he said to me was, "Don't be scared." How can I not be? I'm playing with fire and bound to get burned.

I just read an e-mail from my brother and although all he did was agree with me, it made me depressed. He was expressing the same feelings I have, but hearing them out of someone else's mouth I was able to judge them as an outsider and now I know how horrible it sounds to someone else. It makes me feel so bad that both he and I have the same feelings on such tender topics.

I almost wish that he would disagree with me so I could pretend it's not true.

Our family is entirely too dysfunctional.

I quit McDonald's today. Not only did I quit McDonald's but I walked out in the middle of my shift. That is something I have never done. I have always quit, was never fired, and always gave two weeks notice. I am a different person. I am changing. I am approaching life in a different way and I'm not so sure it's for the better.

I realize that my anti-anxiety medicine was making e gain weight and made me more depressed so it's good that I stopped taking it but right now there are some thoughts and worries that I would really like to turn off right now but am failing to do so.

I wish he weren't so fucking awesome. The only problem is that he's only fucking awesome in theory. I have fallen in love with a man theoretically. When I said I wanted a chance to get to know him to see if he was interested in me, it hadn't occurred to me that it's a two-way street. I was speaking as though my mind was already made up on the matter. I like him and whether or not we hook up is based solely on his feelings for me. I think I am too quick to put faith in people.

When I left McDonald's today Juan asked for a hug and while hugging me said he was seriously going to miss me and that he misses me all the time. Was I supposed to be taking him seriously when he called me "Mi amor"? Does he know enough about me to miss me?

Life is crazy. I don't comprehend and I want some answers.

I just want to fucking know that everything's going to turn out all right one way or another.

I may not end up with Gus, but I'd like to think that if I don't I will ever be satisfied with anyone else.

Then I think about Morgan. I think about how deeply I felt for him after knowing him for such a brief amount of time. I met him on a vacation to New Jersey and fell instantly in love. We talked every day on line and all guys were held up to the standard of Morgan. I wanted to plan my whole life around making it easier to spend it with him---college, everything. Who is Morgan now? He is another name on my buddy list and when his name appears I think to myself, "I should talk to Morgan for old time's sake but I don't have anything to say."

How static is my life? Am I really mature enough to make any decisions at all?

All I know for sure is that I am really fucking scared.

Nighty night.

Jenn