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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

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My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

My mom and I had a really long talk. It started out with me asking advice about something and turned out to be a discussion of the last three years, why things happened, and how things have changed. She made it apparent to me that she knows what happened to me when I was young and I hate it when she does. I like to pretend that she still doesn't, that I am still innocent in her eyes, that I don't have to feel ashamed. When she mentions it I feel that I am 6 again, scared to death that my mom is going to hate me. But she loves me and she hates herself because she feels it's her fault. She understands that I hate myself too. She says, "People who have had things like that happen to them...it's natural for them to feel that way but you don't see yourself with your head, you see yourself with your heart, you're not ugly and you're not a terrible person." Needless to say, I have been crying for the last two hours. So has she. I really love my mom. I liked to say I hated her when she came between me and what my want but I know she had the best intentions and I know that she was scared. I also know I was a pretty rotten person and I gave her good reason to be scared. I also know it's not my fault. I wish I had some sort of compensation. I wish that someone would pay for what happened to me. I had a friend once who offered to kill a few people for me. I politely declined. I just want someone to recognize that my life was ruined and that somehow I can have some slight compensation to try to make the best of the torn, worthless pieces left.

I was too young for there to be any idea of who I would be had it not happened. I don't know. I sure wish I did. I might be someone that people love. I might be that person who brightens hearts when she walks into a room. But instead I am me, I "fit a profile" that says I am stuck loathing myself because of things that I had no control over.

And part of me tells me it's all me. Part of me still says that it was all my fault and all the old guilt comes rushing back and all the hate pours on me tenfold. I just want to forget. I don't want to have big crying sessions where I sit at my computer staring through the tears at a blurry keyboard trying to put incomprehensible thoughts into coherant ideas. I want people to see through my eyes, I want people to feel with my heart before they decide who I am. I want people to know that I'm not really as mean as I come off as. I want people to know that I am sorry, that I am hurting and always will be.

And it's never going away.