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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: blah
now playing: The Verve-Bittersweet Symphony
vocabulary: simian

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I am in limbo. I am neither happy nor sad because I can justify neither of them. I am a little of everything right now. I am confused and I am sad and I am disappointed and I am aggravated and I am excited and I am proud and I am pleased. I guess it depends on what context.

I mind myself more easily irritated by just about everything, but at the same time, more patient than ever with the people that really matter to me. It's like all of a sudden I have pulled out one of those old scales and I am plopping red balls onto the two sides, the good and bad of everyone. I am trying to figure out whether or not people are worth the risk.

Then I think about me. I am so concerned with being hurt because I expect to be hurt because I hate myself but then I get rid of people so easily and suddenly. I justify it to myself because, well, if I am evicting someone from my life then he/she probably won't care because if I meant something to him/her then maybe I'd have been treated right. But I guess sometimes I hurt people. Then I wonder if those people calculated whether or not I was worth the risk of them getting hurt by my friendship. I don't think other people see me as someone who can hurt them because they never let me be someone they truly care about. Then, I end up cutting them out of my life because I was never really included in theirs. That's why it's so easy for me. People always mean more to me than I do to them so I don't feel bad when they cease to exist to me. People enter and leave my life in the span of a couple weeks. Sometimes it takes me longer than that to realize that I never have a chance of achieving the depth of relationship I desired in the beginning so I ditch it completely. Sometimes it takes years, sometimes months, sometimes even days. It's made me rather cynical. It's made me very critical and skeptical and even frightened.

Casey once told me that relationships and Jenn just don't mix. I was offended, as anyone should be, but now I have begun to believe it. In the book I am reading, there was a passage about a man, lived alone, but was said to be the happiest man alive. "I have my books and my poetry to protect me." I remember a line from a poem I wrote about 6 years ago, "You say you want out but you never were in." I think it was a break-up poem. It was a poem to someone who for 6 days made me feel like I was finally getting a chance at something I'd worked very hard for. It was all nothing. I don't know the point of this entry. I just feel like getting things off my chest.

Later,

Jenn

I guess I just like playing games and pressing my luck.