News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood:
now playing: radiohead-fake plastic trees
vocabulary:

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

It's funny, no it's not really funny at all, it's tragic.

I look back at the past and the cycle of screw-ups in my life and I sometimes tell myself, "Look how far you've come." Until tonight. Tonight I realized I am no farther along than I was when I was a stupid little freshman in high school or even a freshman in college. I am confused and I am hurting from every wound I never cared enough to really heal.

I have so many open-ended friendships with people. I never know where I stand with anyone. I am sad.

I am annoying. I think I am being cool with every body but maybe I am making them feel uncomfortable or nervously edgy.

I am really unhappy so I channel all of my energies into work and I am always there. I don't think about what it looks like to them. I just don't care. I go to somewhere where I feel comfortable. I walked in the other day and Bailey said, "Welcome home," and it really hit me. I'm going insane.

The sad thing is, I really don't know what would have to change for me to feel some sort of happiness. I have so much. I just don't want it. I second-guess it. It makes me feel like there really is no point. It's very upsetting.

I am not sure what the issue is. People call me. People -want- my presence and yet it has to be the right people at the right time or it does nothing for me. That makes no sense, but now that I acknowledge it to myself I need to fix it. I need to appreciate every last friend that I have. I need to cut myself off from things that I can become easily attached to.

I need to do so much. I feel like I am not in control.

Oy vey.