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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: reminiscence
now playing: here's to the night
vocabulary: acceptance

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

My tears right now..are not for other hurting people. Right now I am crying for the pure selfish thought that I won't get to see his shining face anymore, I won't get to enjoy his goofy laugh and wax intellectual.

I went to Chili's today with a friend. I saw Laura. Laura and I had not spoken in many years. A few years ago, Laura and I were best friends. It started when I was in 8th grade. We did everything together. We talked on the phone all the time and we hung out in our little click, me, Laura, Jenna, J, and Russ (and sometimes daniel or robert). Laura's sister is a bitch, clear and simple. Laura and I were going to have bang out birthday parties this one year. Laura told me about her party two months in advance and asked for my help. I was excited. When it got closer to the date...her sister started planning the party (inviting bands to play and such). Well, Laura's sister and I didn't get along because she was trash and dated my brother and treated him like shit. Her sister decided that Laura had to choose between me and her. She told Laura that if Laura didn't disinvite me from her birthday party, then Rachel would not have any of the bands play. I told Laura that her sister treats her like shit all the time and that she calls me daily crying about how her sister is treating her and I am always there for her and if she chooses her sister over me then it's over. So it was over. Thomas and I were really good friends and Thomas was also very close to Rachel. Thomas told me to go anyway, he said to look for him and it'd be alright. I got there and Thomas and Brandon and Brandon came and said hey and welcome and we laughed at some stuff..then she came out. She took me out to the playground and as we both cried our eyes out she told me to leave. I said it was public property. She said if I cared at all about her then I would leave. I said our friendship was over. We hadn't given each other a decent look since.

And today, I saw her walk into the restaurant. I looked down at my credit receipt to pay my bill and when I looked up, she was standing there by my table. She said she just had to come see how I was doing. I said she must be doing terrible. Really, the only link between the two of us after that day was Thomas. He'd be talking to her in the commons as I would be collecting him to drive home and as we walked out to my car it was, "Are you guys still not talking?" But out of respect, because she knew of Thomas and my friendship, she put everything behind her. I knew how much she was hurting, her being in his grade she stayed a lot closer to him over the years than I did. I hugged her. I felt terrible. I never stopped caring about her, I just felt hurt...for all these years. And now..to realize what we had forsaken only after a terrible tragedy brings us together..I feel awful. I should have listened to him sooner.

I haven't really just sat and prayed for years. I pray everytime I see an ambulance, I pray when I'm watching the news. But I haven't sat down and just prayed to God about my life. I think tonight is a good time to start. I need that connection more than ever.