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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: apprehensive
now playing: Goldfinger-Answers
vocabulary: sheisse

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I had a rough night last night. My day was boring. I cleaned and whatnot, I went to work. Then after work I went to see The Bourne Identity with Steve. Whenever Steve and I get together really late at night we talk about our situations, our position in what many people call, "the group" where a group doesn't really exist. "The group" is really just tiny groups of friends putting up with the friends of their friends for the sake of friendship. Hmm, that was kind of twisty. It's like when I say, "Ooh, I wanna have people come over and watch Run,Lola,Run." I really only like about two people but I invite about ten. Those people come though I'm sure they probably could care less about me, it's the congregation that attracts them. Well, it's always given the illusion that all of us have a lot of friends. I talk to my good buddy Greg about friendship a lot, well, basically I whine and he puts up with it because, well, he's my friend. He also offers some insight and sometimes makes me cry those touching tears when someone says something nice that wasn't expected. Whenever I tell Greg I have no friends he claims I do. Whenever I said that I was mainly referring to high school, the friends you're supposed to see every day. He would say, "You have tons of friends." And I would say, "No, the only real friend I have is Lisa and even that's iffy." I explained why it was iffy, on account of me and my insecurities but every time I explain it to someone I never thought to myself that I could change it because it's always just been a sort of "I suck and I'll always suck and I will always bring down the relationship." What I didn't realize is that maybe she feels the same way. Maybe all this time I made her think it was her fault when it never was. So, I wrote her a big long e-mail feverishly at 3 o'clock in the morning with a headache and hunger pangs and tears streaming down my face and I don't even know if she checks her hotmail account. I don't expect to change anything, I just wanted her to know.

I talked with my co-workers in the workout room last night. I guess I needed a change of pace from the front desk workers. Michael is an older guy with kids and Cam is an upcoming Sophomore at UT...I think. I talked about how I am cynical and jaded and judgmental. I told them how I got out of sports because I felt in order to be grunge/rock and cool I couldn't be a tomboy. I told how sometimes I choose to dislike someone just for liking a movie I think is trash. He said, "You're so judgmental!" and I said, "I'm tellin ya!" Then Cam decided to speak, "Do you still not like people who plays sports?" and I explained that I actually regret quitting all the sports I was really good at and then we talked a little about the World Cup and how good Germany's goalie is and how they are going to be quite a match for the USA at 6:30 am Friday morning. (If you want to watch the game with me you can come workout with me at work where I'll be watching it, hehe...err...I think they have espn2...they better). Cam is really nice he's just really soft..he talks really softly and he's not extremely assertive, the opposite of me, I'm likely to swallow his words everytime we talk.

I killed six baby crickets last night. I had a hard time believing that those tiny baby crickets grew into the monsters that smoke-dogg leaves dead and oozing around the house.

I have the whole day off and as of yet...nothing to do. I'm sure it'll workout only, I'm not.

Check you later,

Jenn