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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: resigned
now playing: LTJ-Last One Out of Liberty City
vocabulary: lettuce wrap

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I try. I try to go places but everytime I do I end up hating myself more. I see myself in a mirror or a window as I walk by and I hate myself. I awkwardly tug at my clothing as though it can hide my ugliness. I suffer from nervousness and anxiety. I know that people are looking at me and thinking of how disgusting I am. It really is a hard thing for me to go places. It's hard for me to spend time with my friends. I think about how cute and beautiful they are and how it's so easy for other people. Why can't I accomplish such? I get nervous and I sweat and then I wonder if everyone else can see how much I'm sweating and I get nervous about the sweating and sweat more. I see people laughing at the ugly girl sweating bullets and looking over her shoulder every two seconds. The only thing I can really do and feel somewhat comfortable doing it is going over to someone's house, but that's only if my friend doesn't have a sibling. If there is a younger sibling then I wonder if the kid is going to be wondering why I look a little different than so-and-so's other friends. I wonder if he'll know better than to say something. If the sibling is older or closer in age then I wonder if my friend is going to be chastized later on my behalf. I wonder if my date's brother says, "-That-'s your girlfriend?" when I leave. It plagues me. I'm sure someone will tell me it's a psychological problem but I don't see how. I am not nervous and insecure for nothing. If I were pretty, funny, ultra intelligent, and fun to be with then I wouldn't be nervous. I am only insecure because I have a reason to be.

My days consist of me waking up and going to work out. I come back and eat lunch. I read or I work on the computer and then I go to work. I come home, write a diary entry, maybe converse with friends about how fun their days were and then I read myself to sleep. I wake up and do the same thing all over again. I�m in control of all the aspects of my life. Then, I see someone at work who I used to have a crush on or an old friend and then I don�t even feel comfortable at work. I pray they don�t come talk to me, I�m dying to talk to them but I just can�t handle the nervousness, the anxiety, that I experience when they do. There are certain times when I can evade the anxiety. There are certain people where I don�t care that I�m nervous, I just know I need to get out and hang out with them. Then there are certain people who never make me nervous. I know that they will never ever tell me they are ashamed of me, they will never ever let me feel for one second that I am inferior to anyone. I feel complete and utter comfort. There are only one or two. What I have to give up is my respect. No one that I respect can I feel comfortable around. By default, if I respect you, I don�t feel comfortable around you because I feel I am bringing you down. Hanging out with you causes some sort of anxiety on some sort of level every single time. But, anytime you ask me to hang out and you know what you want to do, I�ll do it, because I respect you and you�re worth it, regardless of how I will berate myself when I get home. It�s just the way I am. I can�t explain it to you any better. I�m not Gordon and I�m not Charlotte; I�m not Emily and I�m not Kristen; I�m not Brandon and I�m sure as hell not Scott; I�m me and as much as I don�t like it, I can�t change that. I say take it or leave it and unfortunately for me, most people choose to leave it.

Check you later,

Jenn

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^^^^Anybody else notice that they misspelled 'intellectual'? Oh, the irony.