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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."
What's up?mood: |
My yesterdays....
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2003-06-24 - 7:02 a.m. -
I said 'good morning' when what I meant to say was 'Stop being such an asshole.'
"Don't touch me!" It's perhaps the most depressing phrase one can hear from a loved one. You want to comfort someone and you're pushed away. I could take it personally but I know that it would be a selfish, self-pitying thing to do. Sometimes people are hurting and comfort is the last thing they want. If I keep thinking about it I will let it get me down. "I'm not good enough to be a comfort to him" or "I remind him of something he hates or something that upsets him." It could be anything and that's why I am going to let it go. He can leave the room crying and I won't ask one damn question because it will only make it worse. I can see myself getting into the car and saying, "Just tell me when I am allowed to touch you" or some shit like that and I know right now that it would not be a nice thing to say. It would be vindictive and defensive. I can also admit right now that it's probably what I am going to say. Why? Because I am hurt and defensive. I want to let him know he hurt me whether he meant to or not. It's hard. I don't know my own mind. The last few nights all I have done was dream about loving other guys. Some of them are friends from the past and some of them are people I don't even know, just faces in a dream. I had a dream that I was hanging out with this guy who was one of my best friends when I was 12. I would ride my bike several miles to his house and we would just sit for hours and talk and never be bored. He was probably the first boy I ever truly loved, the person I just loved being with. What can I say? I don't think I am looking for love. I think I am solely looking for commitment. I am looking merely to have it all figured out once and for all. I want to find someone who will say, "Yes, I will spend the rest of my life with you," and the sad part is that I am araid I don't really care who it is as long as he can say it and I believe it. That frightens me. It frightens me and makes me just want to give up. What's the point? What's the point of working for the rest of my life with a guy who I am with just for the sake of being with someone? Life is....there is not a word cruel enough to describe it. Time for work. Check you later, Jenn |