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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

We had a talk last night. It's about damn time. It was the "here's everything that pisses me off about you" talk. My problem in a nutshell: insecurity.

"So if I tell you that I am going to be spending a lot of time with my brother probably really late working on my car and stuff then you'd say....."

And this is where I have to say that it would be fine because in theory, if I trusted him then it should be fine. Now, an insane girl, like me, would go crazy in that situation. The difference is that I -want- to trust him and I -will- trust him because it's the only way for this relationship to work. This is very hard for me. I feel as though I am only ever a filler girl. I feel that I am the girlfriend for guys who are lonely but haven't found the girl they want yet so they just stay with me because they know I'll be faithful, meanwhile they are searching for the girl they actually do want to spend the rest of their life with.

Why do I feel this way?

Because I am insane. Case closed.

I am considering quitting Mickey D's for a less stressful job. It didn't used to be stressful when I was a little cashier just standing there not worrying about anything but now I am a manager and supposed to know all this shit but have only worked there for a few months and everyone under me has worked there twice as long. At least they like me. At least.

My cute co-worker with gorgeous eyes says (in spanish of course): "Here is the ice mi amor."

Jenn: "Thanks."

Juan: "So you are mi amor?"

Jenn: "Mi novio no le gusta."

Juan: "Cuantos novios tienes?"

Jenn: "Only one."

Juan: "Porque? Necesitas cuatro."

Oh to be hispanic. Life would be so much more exciting. I think that whenever I have someone who likes me and I am in a relationship it is a checkpoint for that relationship. It's like I am saying, "Ok, I have a chance to have someone else so now is the time for me to confirm that I am not in this relationship just until I find someone who I think may be better." Then, I stay or I go. Usually it's a matter of how well my current boyfriend is treating me at the time. Sean didn't pass. I don't think he even cared. He hasn't called me eventhough he said he still wanted to hang out and stuff. Whatever. I am so apathetic right now it's not even funny. Nothing matters.

I burned my hand on the french fry bin the other day. It really hurts. I was switched to another store for a day and their fry bin is a lot different and the top of it is a lot lower so when I lifted the fries up there was the sensation of burning, searing flesh. Yummmy. I had to put mustard on it. It's right on my wrist so when I use my right hand it kind of hurts.

I am so frustrated with myself. I said "fucking" on the phone with my dad. I said, "Full fucking refund" without realizing what I was doing. A couple of days prior I said "and shit" on the phone with him. As soon as I realized what I had done I broke down crying from shame. He didn't say anything about either time but that only makes it worse. I don't know what's happening to me.

Ok, time to be getting ready for work.

Check you later,

Jenn

Oh my gosh Harry Potter comes out today and I am so excited. I am going to be reading all night.