News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: ripping hair out
now playing: wilco-at my window sad and lonely
vocabulary: ongas

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

Ok, so, I do not know what to write. I am bored out of my mind and growing moreso still. On the one hand, i think I am annoyed because I have not gotten in touch with someone who I have been trying for weeks to get in touch with. If I were home, it'd be time to show up randomly at the front door, but I am 7,000 miles away.

I am also depressed because I realized I am no longer pining for Gus and that makes me kind of sad. I hated the feeling of not getting what I want, but I loved that I knew I could still feel good feelings toward someone that were unconditional. Now, I worry that perhaps they were more conditional than I'd like to admit. Sometimes I try to think of him as someone I'd like to date, but he just pops up in the file under 'friend' and now I realize what he meant before. I still concede that he is absolutely amazing, but once you have wanted someone and been denied it for one reason another, even when that person comes back to you...sometimes it is hard to rekindle a feeling that you forced yourself to get over. He liked me and he couldn't do anything about it and I waited too long before I made it possible for him to act on it and it was entirely my fault for being stupid and now..there is nothing. We still talked on the phone for 48 minutes, though I intended for it to be 15. It feels very natural talking to him and I realize I really enjoy having him as a friend.

So I love it when the way you feel about someone, that someone feels the exact way, about someone else. That makes me happy too. Oh so happy.

I love when people tell you that they like you, and then tell you exactly why you shouldn't like them. Because sometimes..they just may have a point. And maybe you were actually looking forward to liking them, but they totally ruined it for you.

I think I have been that person before. I think I am loving myself more every day. I think I am finding that it is not other people who alienate me, but it is me looking down on other people. I need to find a happy medium between hating myself and hating everyone else..I think I am working toward the resolution daily.

I may go to Buenos Aires again this weekend because Amber needs someone to go with her and Buenos Aires is easily my favoritestest place now a days. Although, I am running out of things to do. However, i believe Carmen just might be playing there this weekend..and I forget when Jethro Tull is playing. *adjusts her halo*

I think all this love talk comes from having watched Down With Love yesterday and how incredibly hot Ewan McGregor looked in that movie. My mojo doesn't work in Montevideo, but evidently it works in Buenos Aires. In two hours two different guys told me how beautiful my eyes were. They said it in different ways and both times I had to ask them to repeat it because of their incredibly thick accents. Mmm, the one with the long hair was kind of hot. But regardless, I am not looking. I don't think I am pursuing at all. I think I should get my school shit together and figure out where on Earth I will be going to college before I even think of who I will be dating. I think those things tend to happen when you least expect them. I guess I just feel like my life is on hold and that bothers me. I feel like these four months will be very difficult to recover from. I feel like I will not just be able to pick up where I left off, because all of my friends and loved ones have been growing in one direction and I have been growing in another, in another country, in another continent. It scares me. Will I still have friends when I get back? Will they still see me the same way and will I still see them the same way?

My brother is coming home to Tennessee for spring break and now I have this overwhelming desire to scrap Machu Picchu for the chance of spending time with my brother. I miss him so much.

My moods and my desires change so rapidly here. It is hard to remain consistent when there is not anyone here that I know well enough what to expect from them. I am beginning to learn what to expect from my roommate but sometimes I wonder if there is something I do that bothers her that she won't tell me, or whether she feels obligated to do something if I ask her to. *shrug* I suppose I should let her deal with that. If she wants to decline an offer then she has to make that decision, not me. Why I worry incessantly..I do not know. I would say it is because I always have something to worry about, but every human being always has -something- he or she can worry about and they don't..so why do I feel the need?

I think I am going to take a very long walk today. I think I should do something alone today and away from the house, away from people I know. I used to go out alone all the time when I first got here and now that I made friends I don't do that anymore and I think that is why I am less happy than I was even a month ago. Yes, long walk is good. Maybe I will find that perfect gourd I have been searching for for Nathan. Perhaps. Perhaps I will make a phone call or two. Perhaps I will go to the beach and read a good book, wait, no, can't, punk ass tattoo. Maybe I will read a book in the park.

But regardless, getting off the internet is the first step.

Check you later,

jenn