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She..she screams in silence..a sullen riot penetrating through her mind...We...wait for a sign to smash the silence with the brick of self-control---Are you locked up in a world that's been planned out for you? Are you feeling like a social tool without any use? Scream at me until my ears bleed, I'm taking heed just for you--She...she's figured out..all her doubts are someone else's point of view..We...walking up to smash the silence with the brick of self-control--------
News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

mood: grieved
now playing: don mclean-american pie
vocabulary: fair

My yesterdays....
Previous - Two worlds collided. Next - Crawling on my belly.
2003-03-07 - 5:22 p.m. - Life's a bitch and then...

So everything is fine because he gets what he wants and I get what I want and it works this way, regardless of who gives a little more or less. I don't have to worry, it's a very free feeling, even though quite often I feel fear like I've never felt before.

Mind over matter. That's all.

So I spent a wonderful night last night hanging out with Brian and Sean and then a wonderful day with Sean driving around and seeing a movie and grabbing lunch. I get home excited because Cole had called when we were in the movie and I was hoping we'd get to do the whole girl's night out thing. Well, we do get to do that but that's not why she called. I called her back and she said, "You know the nice guy who brought us the scarfs?" Now I know what she's going to say because every single time I get a statement like that..."You know Brian Madden?"..."You know the Walker twins?"...it's always the same thing.

But of course I am in denial so I ask, "What happened?"

"He died last week." I knew of course that this was impossible because I had just seen him the other day...last Saturday he was there. He came in when I was talking to Sean and Keith and smiled about me being so popular. So I find that his wife came in and told them he's dead and that she thinks he was murdered but that the Sherriff wrote down suicide. He had two big punches to the back of the head..suicide my ass.

This man is -the- single most kind man in the world. He knew every single fucking one of our names whether we worked front desk or just the concession stand and he said hello every day and asked about our lives and remembered every detail. He brought us all scarfs that his wife made in our favorite colors. I don't think I have been so compelled to cry in a very long time. I want to hit things. I am so angry. It's just not right.

I want to scream.

But all I can do is cry.
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