News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: resolute
now playing: skynyrd-saturday night special
vocabulary: confidence

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

Talking with Ann at work tonight has helped me a lot. She has helped me to see the light, so they say. Every one I talk to about my insecurity problems may have some of their own and so they tell me how they deal with it or they don't have problems themselves and they tell me to just get over it. After telling Ann some of the thoughts and feelings I have and some of the things I do she started asking me, "And you feel this way when this happens.." and everything she said to me is what I do. She said she used to be the same way. "And I have gotten over it completely, granted I am 52 but there is still hope!" She told me that sometimes once you get into the self loathing cycles where bad thoughts cause negative thoughts and then you get mad at yourself for thinking bad things about yourself and keep going around and around, she said that sometimes there is no way to stop it but there is a way to not let it mess up your relationships. She said she realized that on the third husband and I guess that was her scare tactic. I don't want to go through three husbands before I get over this problem. I don't want to even go through three boyfriends. I love Sean and for his sake I just have to get over it. I need to realize that it's not his job to fix me. I have to realize that expecting him to be sweet is asking for him to do nice and sweet and considerate things on top of what he already has to--put up with my hysterical fits of insecurity. It's got to be draining on him to go through those fits and for me to expect him to try to keep me feeling good all the time is unreasonable.

I am irrational for thinking that it's my selflessness that is what causes these fits. What would happen is I start thinking I am putting someone out or that I did something wrong. The thoughts were not really based on anything, maybe sometimes loosely based on a phrase, or gesture, or facial expression. I would take that gesture or whatever and decide that it meant I did something wrong and then I would brood over it. Oh no, he's mad at me, I have got to fix this. Then I would start acting funny and he would be in a bad mood because I was being super wimpy and trying to serve him when he really just wanted me to be myself. Then I would get upset for him being in a bad mood and eventually come and have a crying bitchfest and he would just sit and take it and explain everything until I finally understood and felt everything was fine again. So when I thought I had done something wrong I really hadn't but then thinking that I did caused me to start doing things to him to make him upset. If I were really being selfless then I would heed his advice and stop assuming things and stop harboring all these false thoughts until it gets to the point that I really put him out with my hysterical insecurity discussions.

It all makes so much more sense now I just feel like somehow this time it's too late. I feel that last night in my hysterical fit I did irreparable damage and now he'll never believe that I can change and get better. I just have to take what time I have left to show him that I can.

I see a bumpy road up ahead. I'm ready for it though. He is worth it.

Please excuse the grammar mistakes, for there are many of them.