News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: bitchy
now playing: eve 6-girl eyes
vocabulary: love

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

It's really funny....wait, no, it isn't funny at all, at least not to me. I have always been best friends with guys. Ever since I started having friends...they were male. The first? Trevor. I don't think he counts because we played Barbies and did gymnastics to Love Shack but still, male. In 5th grade I was really good friends with Eric, Robert, Tommy and James. We just hung out all the time. Especially Tommy, I walked half a mile to the busstop to be able to ride with him every day and we went trick or treating on Halloween and he was a real good guy. Then in 8th grade it was Traz, and Patrick, Will, FA, Zach, Kyle, and Sean. I would even spend the night at their houses and they'd try to get me to watch porn(guys have some fascination with sneaking porn in front of girls' eyes).

What is my problem? My problem is that I somehow don't count. I am somehow penalized for being a girl that guys -want- to talk to and like to spend time with. How much do I hate it when the guys I adore so much bitch about their girlfriends and tell me how cool I am. Well what the fuck? If you seem to think I'm so cool and so funny and so smart then why the hell aren't you dating -me-? And that, my friends, is the reason I feel I will never be loved. It's like...I have never found a person that cares more about what's on the inside than the outside. I am doomed to be alone and when not alone be used for all that I am worth and then some. I just want to find one decent guy who won't tell me that I'm so great and then talk to me about this girl he likes.

Sometimes I just wish I were someone else. What is the point of being me if no one gives a flying fuck? I used to look at girls and decide whether or not I'd switch places with them. It was usually, "Hrm, I'd switch bodies but not faces" or "I'd switch looks but not brains" but where the fuck has being intelligent gotten me in life? Nowhere. I am still poor. I still have very few friends. I am still very, very lonely. Where has being somewhat humorous gotten me? Nowhere. It's gotten me into many friendships with males who I secretly wanted to date. Having to hang out everyday with someone who you love who you know will never love you...that...is killer. It's the story of my life. I'm just "such a good friend" to them.

I've got to go to breakfast now and let my steam dissipate. Sorry for bitching.

-Jenn