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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: bemused
now playing: zeppelin-stairway to heaven
vocabulary: chicken select strips

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

My life is confusing the shit out of me. I started back at McDonald's so that I wouldn't have any free time and thus could not be unhappy for not having anything to fill my free time with. Now that I am not going to have any free time I finally have some friends to spend it with. I can't help but keep thinking about the whole Gus thing because I haven't even gotten to talk to him to try and explain the other night and if he'd write me off so easily then I am sort of perturbed. I mean, he evidently was having a lot of fun with me so then all of a sudden it's a big nothing just because I asked him if I could hold his on the advice of his own damn brother. I just don't get it.

I hate Jerry being all glum and saying he's "got a whole lot of anger" he'll be letting out after he gets his car and has nothing left to focus on and he won't tell me what's up or why he's mad or anything. He says it's not me, and I didn't do anything even remotely close to pissing him off so I knew that but I hate not being able to be involved in his life because he doesn't like me caring so much about him because I get upset easily. Upset or jealous..I'm not sure. I keep reminding myself that I dumped him but how soon after would he have dumped me had I not done it first? This question plagues me and when I try to ask him about it just so I can answer the question and stop asking it of myself he says he doesn't want to talk about it. I think he would have stayed with me to the last minute before he would randomly tell me, "Goodbye, I am going to Texas to be with my ex-girlfriend who I said I was over but am obviously not because I am a sucker for women who will treat me like shit."

Ahhh, life. It will be good, however, to have boyfriends who do not have outstanding warrants, assuming I ever actually do have a boyfriend again. The guy I thought was cute at Mickey D's I have been told is gay. I have the best luck. I don't even care about having a boyfriend right now, that's not the point. The point is not feeling unwanted. The point is not being afraid to have female friends because of the fear that any guy you are interested in will be interested in them upon meeting your friends, which is usually the case in my life. It never fails.

I would be fine being absolutely single for the next however many years as long as I knew for sure that things would work out, that -someday- I am going to have a family and make my mommy proud and make myself proud. If I just knew for certain that something would work out then I would give up this endless quest and sit back and let things happen. But I am really just scared to death that I will be alone, I'll be one of those old ladies with the hump-backs who buys 120 cans of catfood and one gallon of milk because she has no life besides her 32 cats. I am just so sick of being scared of the future.

Such is life.

Time to go to the bank.

Check you later,

Jenn