News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: angry? sad? frustrated?
now playing: pink floyd-comfortably numb
vocabulary: triste

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I am in a pretty low place right now. I don't exactly know how to describe it, nor how to escape from it.

I am incapable of feeling any sense of belonging right now.

I feel that there just isn't a place out there anywhere for me. I feel like I am always stuck in almost-land.

I don't fit in with the intellectuals because I am just not content with being absolutely boring. Although I am very intelligent, I love doing stupid things for the sake of doing stupid things and letting go. Intellectual friends could only turn their noses up at my public displays of idiocy.

I don't fit in with the "good" kids because some of my tastes don't sit well with them. I am just bad enough that the only purpose I would serve in a friendship with good kids is to be the person constantly reminding them what "bad" is.

I don't fit in with the "bad" kids because I'm too freaking good. To party-esque kids I am the nagging mother, party-pooper girl who is always reminding them exactly how bad the shit they do is.

I'm not a slut.

I'm not a lesbian.

I'm not a raver.

I'm not a druggie.

I'm not a hippie.

I'm not a punk.

Where the fuck do I fit in?

Nowhere. And this is my current dilemma. I just don't feel right trying to hang out with anyone because I feel like I can never really be in. I am never going to be on their list, I'm never going to be a person they call to do things with because I am just different enough that when they are with me it's a challenge to put up with whatever part of me doesn't fit in with them.

I'm so scared. I could be any one of them but I'd always have my past, my stories, that would always paint me in a different life. Can I forget the past in an effort to secure myself with a future?

I don't know. I'd like to think that somewhere there is someone who feels exactly the same as I do, stuck in the same place, doing nothing but crying about it making the people she/he does actually hang out with fairly upset.

I can't win.

I think I just have way too much to think about right now.

I think I need some help.

I think I need to spend more time with the people who do care about me without being upset the whole time making them regret being my friend.

I think twelve hours of work overnight at Toys R Us tonight will give me plenty of time to think.

Check you later,

Jenn