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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."
What's up?mood: regretful |
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2002-08-30 - 9:03 a.m. -
I wish you'd talk to me.
Ok, I need to say some things to a few people. I am not going to give names because, well, if you're reading this then you should know if it is you or not. -------------------------------------- I didn't ditch you. I never stopped thinking you were great. I just...was resentful because I felt you got a girl you didn't deserve because of foolish mistakes you'd made. I always wanted to be your friend but I just had a hard time with it until I realized that you make that girl happy and regardless of what happened before then, you make her happy and her happiness is what is important. -------------------------------------- These past few months I have been torturing myself to prove to you how good of a friend I am. I thought somehow I had failed you and it caused you to dislike yourself even more and dislike me with some bitter resentment that I acted like you weren't good enough. There was one point in my life where you thought the world of me and you called me and you came to visit me at work and we hung out all the time. I always called you and I always invited you places. I -never- looked at you like you were anything less than perfect and I never ceased to invite you places or to always try to find you in the hallways. It was you who pulled away. You wrote all these things about hating it that I hung out with -her- and then when I told you of my jealousies of -your- friends you called me selfish and said I was trying to expect you to have no other friends..but..what were -you- doing? Now, because of whatever resentment you have and the fact that I have been thoroughly replaced, all I have is her. You wonder why I liked hanging out with her despite the bad influence she was on me? I can tell you. She -cares- about me. She calls me very nearly every day, sometimes 10 times a day. She always wants to hang out but she can also call just to talk. When did you cease telling me things? When was it that you decided you and your 'best friends' were too good for me? Why is it we've not had a serious conversation about what's going on in your life? It hurts so much but I know that there is no place for me in your life anymore. I know you don't care about me anymore and if you do, you sure have a funny way of showing it because you make me want to cry every time I -do- talk to you. And yet..I still...try very hard because I just don't want to let go. I guess I'm a masochist. -------------------------------------- I hate that you are so far away because you remind so much of the good things I strive to be. We are a lot alike and yet very much different and it keeps it interesting. I am extremely intimidated by you because I never felt like I could be your friend. I looked at who you called your best friend and I was no one like her so I felt inadequate. Now you're far, far away and I so want to come visit and it may be spring break before I do but I hope you know how much I've admired and appreciated since journalism sophomore year. -------------------------------------- Dude, you are -not- lanky. You're gorgeous and you're funny and you are going to make some lucky girl very happy one day. You were one of those friends you could just do anything with and still have fun. I'm going to miss your presence at the pad and I can't wait to see you at Christmas. No, the food is not so bad, or at least they have decent bagels. I am going to miss your sagelike advice until I can get hooked up with the proxy. Be good, don't do anything I wouldn't do. -------------------------------------- Dude, you gave me XP, what can I say? My computer runs so much more efficiently it's as if my ram was doubled. I know we're not the closest of friends but I hope we'll get to hang out sometime because I think you are an extremely worthwhile human being. I know you are capable of intelligent conversation and you make me laugh as well. I'll see you TTR I suppose after English. Thanks for all your help. -------------------------------------- There are a lot more people I want to say things to..a lot of apologies and a lot of thanks but they don't read my diary. You guys are all important to me though. Know that. Believe it. Ok, I have chapel in 35 minutes. Fun times. I also have communications homework. I am supposed to "draw a model of communication." Grrr. I hate that class already and I think I will switch into honors. Check you later, Jenn |