News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: exhausted
now playing: alanis- head over feet
vocabulary: dos loco gringos

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

Ok, so, where to begin. Let's go back to Monday, since that is where I left off. I got off work and then went to Gus's work and he talked to Laura (Jerry's girlfriend) since I called earlier and knew she was answering her cellphone. He said he'd be coming at the end of the week to pick up the car (so that they would not know we were coming soon lest Jerry decide to run off with it). I told Larry that I would be going to World's Gym with Becka and he told me I had to wait for him to get there before I leave. I said I would.

I went home and then Becka called me so we went to work out. I worked out with her and then while I was on the Elliptical machine this girl Joquena (one of the few friends I actually made at Lipscomb) got on a machine near me so I started talking to her. When she was done with her machine we went and sat on the couches and talked. Then she had to go.

It was about 8 that Brock got there (oh, you remember Brock, the do-you-wanna-date-a-married-man guy) and that man is a slave driver. He made me do all sorts of strength training with way too much weight. It was exciting. We also talked a good deal. He asked about Gus. He said he had talked to Gus about me like in a "You know Jen digs you so why the hell aren't you dating her" kind of way and evidently Gus told him it was all because I dated his brother. I understand that, I mean, his brother is a disgusting human being and anyone who would date him can't be anything but very poor quality human. I don't think Gus understands that Jerry was simply an escape from an extremely abusive relationship. I would have dated a monkey if he expressed a genuine interest in me, so long as he was nothing like Sean. Don't get me wrong, Sean is an incredible person, he's just not a nice person.

So Brock telling me this sort of bummed me out bigtime because it makes me think it's hopeless. And yet..I still don't want to give up hope. There is always hope. Ok, so then Larry and Gus finally get there (Brock leaves because evidently he and Larry don't get along) so then Larry and Gus and I work out. Gus is extremely strong. I don't know why he is so self-conscious. Oh well. So I called Emily from the gym to see if she'd work for me and bless her heart, she saved my life. She said she would so I told Gus we could leave. We left the gym around 9:30 and I told him to let me shower and then I'd give him a call. Well, on the way home J.R. called me so I ended up going home, showering, then going to Jack in the Box and hanging out, then coming home. I got home around 11 something and Gus had called my phone (Had to leave it at home to charge). I called him and said I'd be right over.

All he took were his wallet and keys. He got in the car and he smelled soooo good. I love his cologne. Why he wore cologne for a roadtrip..I don't know. But whatever. He checked my oil and we needed to buy oil so I stopped at the Exxon on Wedgewood. There was some 1 dollar oil and some 5.99 oil and Gus made me buy that. At the counter I was like, "You have expensive taste" and he said, "I only choose the good stuff." Well, the guy behind the counter ringing us up decided he would interject and to Gus he says:

Clerk: Hey, man, you really missed a great opportunity. You should have added, "That's why I chose you, honey."
Jenn turns to look at Gus, who is blushing incredibly, then looks at Clerk-boy and says:
"He didn't choose me." Clerk: Here I am, so bored I am playing match-maker.
Jenn: You should try crossword puzzles.

Gus laughs at this then we go outside and he puts oil in my car and we depart.

It is amazing when you can spend 16 hours in a car driving with a guy and like him more when it's over than you did before it started. He was so sweet. Everytime he bought something for himself at the gas station he bought one for me. Everytime I grabbed something he took it for me and paid for it. He held every door open for me. He laughed at my jokes. He talked with me. I had an awesome time.

We left at 12:30 a.m. and arrived at Jerry's girlfriend's house at about 4:00 in the afternoon. He came outside and I just faced forward. Finally when Gus was checking the oil in the car he came to my window and told me he accidently had some of me c.d.s and gave them to me.

Jenn: You'd look more pleasant if you'd smile.
Jerry: No, I wouldn't I had to cut my hair.
Jenn: So, she made you cut your hair?
Jerry: I don't want to talk about it. It's a lot of bullshit.
Jenn: We choose the lives we lead.
That is where I started my engine and pulled away. I think I handled it well. A couple hours later he called me and asked if I was mad at him. I was like, "Uhh, why would I be mad at you?" Evidently I am supposed to be mad that he hasn't been calling me. Actually, I am overjoyed. He told me to call him back at 9 when I got more minutes. I didn't though because Gus and I decided to stop at a motel around 8:49 since we hadn't slept at all in like 36 hours and had about 10 more hours driving to do. We watched Whose Line is it anyway and then went to sleep. We woke up at 8 am and got in our respective cars and drove away. I followed behind him the whole way. We called each other when we needed anything. I had a really good time, except when I started thinking about what Brock told me and started crying because I was listening to Alanis Morissette's "Head Over Feet" song realizing how much I want him and feeling so angry and sad that even though Jerry is gone he is still ruining my life. I know Gus was periodically watching me in my rear-view mirror and God only knows what he thought of me crying solidly for twenty minutes, but I'm over it.

Now I've got to shower and head back over to Gus and Jose's because they open presents at 12 am and I was told very distinctly that they will not wait for me, it's tradition. I haven't had a shower since 11 pm on Monday night so I'm thinking that is first on the agenda.

What to do about Gus..who knows. I don't know how long ago it was that Brock talked to him. It was probably closely following when Gus put the lights on my car since that is when I told Brock I like Gus and Brock can't keep his mouth shut for very long. Since then Gus has been much more...seemingly interested so I will not despair. I said I would wait years and I mean that. I have already planned out what I am going to say to him the day before I leave for Uruguay. How does this sound:

"I couldn't decide whether I should go to Uruguay or not when my mom presented me with the choice and then when you introduced me as your brother's ex-girlfriend I decided that maybe, just maybe, when I come back you might be able to see me as a human being, as Jen, rather than as your brother's ex-girlfriend. If I am always going to be your brother's ex-girlfriend then I will spend this four months working on getting over you if that's what you tell me to do. I don't want to make excuses about why I dated Jerry in the first place. I'm not sure I can make you understand. But, if you want to discredit and devalue me then do it because you think I am annoying or you think I am immature or you think I am stupid or lame or even if you think I am ugly. Any one of those is better than writing me off on account of who I used to have a relationship with, if you can even call it that."

Ok, so, hmm...feedback..too stalker-esque? I like the honest approach. I can't pretend to not be obsessive because it's obvious. I made myself very clear in July when I told him I dig him and he knows I still do so there is no question that he knows why I do so much for him. If he is as good of a person as I beliebe he is then there is no way he'd let me do as much for him as I do if he knows for sure that he would never date me. So, it's a win-win situation. Either he has not made that decision, or he's not as great as I thought he was and thus am better off not being with him.

I'm sure though, that if in the end things don't work out, I won't be able to see it that way. That is why I have this diary to look back and help me reflect on what's going on.

Ok, shower time. Check you later,

Jenn