News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: confused-surprise, surprise
now playing: down in a blaze of glory
vocabulary: 180 jenny got wet + 540 kickflip + FS tailslide

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

Hmmm. Yesterday I worked and then went to hang out with Jose then left to go work out, signed in as guest to World's Gym and then realized when I got into the locker room that I didn't have my workout shirt so I went home and just grabbed my Indiana Jones trilogy and went back to Gus and Jose's. I got there around 9 and we started playing Tony Hawk. At 3 am we were still playing Tony Hawk when I left.

There is nothing special to report. But once again, a much more open feel about Gus. When he was sitting on the couch I was sitting on the ground with my back to the couch and just feeling his knee or his foot touching my back was the most comforting feeling in the world. It gave me goosebumps. The fact that he's not afraid to be close enough to be touching is monumental.

Brock and Jonathan were trying to tell me that I need to make a "move" with Gus because he's so shy/insecure/whatever. Brock says, "You ridin' that train yet?" or some shit like that. I try to explain to him that I don't want Gus for some physical longing I have. I want Gus because I know that I could very easily spend my life with him.

Now granted, what is the difference between the relationship we have now (platonic with romantic overtones) and a relationshop where we can be described as "seeing each other?" Well, Brock would say it's sex. I don't want that. I'm pretty sure Gus doesn't want that. What I want is to know that Gus feels the same way about me that I feel about him. Brock saying, "Trust me, he likes you," just doesn't do it for me. I need to hear it from Gus. I need Gus to say that he's willing to act on that. I don't care if he tells me, "Hey, Jenn, I really dig you, but I am very shy and girl-ruined and it's going to take a while for me to warm up to you." That would not bother me. But me agonizing over his cryptic nature is driving me insane. Granted, it's gotten so much better in the last week and a half, but still.

I called Jerry yesterday. One might say, "Jenn, why in the fuck did you call Jerry?" Well, Jerry had said that he was going to send a letter when he sends the money Gus sent him back basically telling Gus off. I wanted to call and make sure that he does not send that letter. I called him and the poor guy, I think I actually feel sorry for him. He's gotten himself into the deepest level of hell. I cussed him out because he told me that Laura is drinking still, Laura who is pregnant (supposedly with his baby eventhough he can't have kids). He said when he tries to stop her she says, "As long as I am the one working and paying the bills then you can't tell me that after work I can't go hang out and relax with my friends." I said, "Fine, Jerry, how right is it to bring some baby into this world who will have horrible defects all of his life and can't do anything about just because his fucking parents wanted to fucking party before he was born?" Then he tried to tell me that he hates drinking and he only goes along so he can keep tabs on what Laura is doing and it all just made me want to vomit. He told me he was sorry and he understands what Gus was saying and he realizes it's because Gus cares about him and that he was wrong for going to Texas, that he realizes how much better it was to be in Tennessee getting to hang out with me and Gus and his dad. I came so close to saying, "Funny, It's so much better here with you gone," but I think that the fact that I am his *only* friend might make that phrase the one that throws him into even deeper depression. He told me that she bites him when they have fights and that he can't feel in his left arm because she struck a nerve. I just laughed. "Wait a minute....she bites you!?" That boy is suffering for all the wrong he's done in his life and he deserves it hardcore. I -almost- feel sorry for him.

He also told me that he thinks that Gus isn't over Monica (the one who left him for someone else and is married with kids) and that kind of scares me. I don't feel threatened by her because there is no chance that he can ever date her again, but I have to understand that I will always be compared to her and being compared to someone who Gus spent 6 years knowing is rough. I don't know what she was like. I don't know how I compare. Jerry told me I was prettier than she is, but that's not what is important to Gus as well it shouldn't be.

It's weird to think though that Gus might feel insecure and intimidated because it's hard to imagine finding a guy who has as severe a self-esteem problem as I do. I think he may even be more afraid of rejection that I am. Scary. So, what to do...everytime I leave the apartment it's "See you tomorrow." And they always do. I am a slave to it. I want to be able to take time away from him so he can figure out what's his deal but taking time away from him is also taking time away from Jose and I am his only friend here so I don't want Jose to think that my wanting to spur Gus is more important than hanging out with him.

Ahh, decisions, decisions. Maybe going to the movies on Friday will actually be some sort of pivotal event. Maybe he's trying to inch closer and closer. Maybe, just maybe, I might even get something so much as a hug from him. I think I'd be good for four months just on that. I need to go shopping around for phone cards so I can at least call him once a week from Uruguay.

Man, it's going to take all that I have in me to let go of the situation when I walk off that plane onto another continent. I don't think I will have a problem with it as I lie on white sandy beaches reading Tolkien, but you never know. I have a way of brooding over things that really takes the cake.

Anywho, I am going to look for phone cards online.

Check you later,

Jenn

p.s. Greg, if you're reading this, in case I actually get out of work at a decent time, call me with those New Year's Eve plans you mentioned to me.