News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: crazed
now playing: live and let die
vocabulary: certifiable

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I am on the computer right now because I finished the reading for my next class and yet I have 30 minutes but was falling asleep. My biggest fear during my hour break is that I will fall asleep and not make it to my class, the class where if I miss more than 6 absences I drop a letter grade and after that test we took I don't think I have a letter grade to drop and still get credit (I have missed 4 classes so far).

So, anyway, yeah.

Have you ever noticed that certain people know exactly how much they can push your buttons and know exactly when to quit to save himself/herself from crossing the proverbial line?

It makes me so frustrated. It's like, I will spend hours worrying and getting angry and working myself up over something, meticulously planning out exactly how I will phrase what is bothering me. Then I think, "No, if I just call then I can feel better." So I call and consequently feel worse. More worry ensues, more planning, more anger boils up into a large firework about to go off. So I do what every normal human being does to evade anger, get your mind off it. How do we do that? Hanging out with people, reading a book. So I go see a friend and we end up, surprise, surprise, bitching. I say everything I am mad about to her and before I can finish--a phonecall that erases 4 or 5 hours of brooding by logically making myself out to be some neurotic worrywort(even moreso than I fess up to being).

And yet at the end of the night there is still a tinge of anger left. That tiny remnant is like a hairline bone fracture slowly worsening over time, the small question, "What if I was right?" What if I had actual reason to be upset and still do since nothing was ever brought up or talked out? Ahh, something to ponder...something to worry about...something to lose sleep over...same difference.

And yet, even if I had a reason to be angry, it wouldn't matter. Nothing would change. So what's the point? I'm going to take whatever because I feel I do not deserve any better.

I asked Sean last night if I was good to him. I asked if there were anything I should not do that I do or do that I don't do and he said he couldn't think of anything. That makes me happy. I want to make him happy. That is very important to me. And yet...I wonder if he gives a damn whether there is something -he- can do. But! To fault him on that would be illogical because people could argue that my wanting to make him happy to that extent is unreasonable/unnatural and should not happen, much less be -expected-.

I need to turn my brain off right now. This stuff that I just put into the heads of others should never have been in my head in the first place. I should sit back and just enjoy what I do have instead of wondering if it could be even better. I am not displeased except when I think of how much -more- pleased I could be. It's ridiculous. I am not exactly lacking the things I need from the relationship, or what any normal person would need and for the most part everything that I -want- from the relationship is present, not to mention that he, as a person, holds within him every possible characteristic I could ask for from a male with the bonus that -he- loves -me- as well. Amazing. I have to keep myself from saying 'impossible,' which is my first instinct.

What has this entry proved?

Jenn is crazy.

Muahahahaha. I will now go burn and pilllage because isn't that what we crazy people do?

Check you later,

Jenn