News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood:
now playing: allllllllready gone
vocabulary:

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I wish that he would have just told me I am ugly. I wanted to hear anything but what I heard. If he had only told me I was am ugly or annoying or immature or too young or stuck up or even just plain white then I could have been more than satisfied. But instead he has to tell me that I am great and that he finds me attractive and so do all of his friends but that we are doomed to be as we were introduced--friends.

He told me that he's not saying never. He told me that if something happens, it happens, but not to pass up opportunities to be happy with other people on account of waiting for him. He said he's still hung up on his ex-fiance because she is responsible for putting him back on the path he is on now so he wouldn't end up like Jerry. He said if he had the chance to get back with her he would not take it but that she is very important to him because she truly knows the way he is and he can talk to her about things and she will understand.

He said we have something great and he would not risk losing me if we tried to make dating work right now and then have it fail and we have nothing.

I just needed peace of mind. I just...needed...to know. He said I am blessed that I do get asked out by people and that I should not take that for granted.

The guys-suck guys were right..why would he date me when he gets out of my deep friendship almost exactly what a boyfriend would get?

I have doomed myself.

The hard part now is not rebounding. If I would not date certain guys before then there is no reason to date them now. There is no such thing as second choice. I need to keep myself from jumping into a relationship just because I can. That is how guys like Jerry come along.

It really killed me though when I explained to him my horrible problems with affection and initiating physical contact and he said, "Not to bring up bad memories but you got to the point with my brother where you could feel comfortable and be affectionate with him, right?" I don't know what that was supposed to mean. I don't know if he truly thinks that the connection between me and Jerry was better than between me and him. Yeah, I could be very physical with Jerry because I did not respect him. When I actually respect a guy then it would shame me to waste that respect on fleeting physical contact. With Jerry, he wasn't worth dick so I had nothing to lose, no fear of rejection. I knew that he would accept contact in any shape, form, or fashion. Gus has integrity. The thought that he may be jealous of the comfort I felt with Jerry versus the discomfort I feel with him never crossed my mind, nor is it valid. The discomfort and tension between us on my part only exists because I feel that there is something to lose with any wrong move. I think that our relationship will grow a lot closer and more open now that I am free to feel like I am not facing the judge. He's told me how it is. I don't have to be scared anymore.

So where do I go from here? Uruguay. I don't have to go anywhere because I am going there. I have four months to get over a lot of the problems I have. I have four months away from all antagonists in my life to cultivate who I am in the absence of negative stimuli. I will not be the same person I am today when I come back.

So now to talk about my day chronologically--I woke up, went to work, stopped by Dillard's on Keith's lunch break, went to Lipscomb to request sophomore level stafford loan, ran by tires plus to ask the cost of some rims, ran by Gus's and had a loooong chat, picked up pizza from work and went to Brian's, met up with Keith to see Big Fish, reluctantly went to IHOP with a group of people, half of whom like to hate me because it feels so good to be the ones doing the hating. Yeah, I'm such a bitch. I was never there for you when you had problems. I was never there for you when you had no friends and hated your life and wanted to die because no one included you in anything. I've never done anything good in my whole life. Nope, I am horribly selfish and evil because I have always genuinely wanted to help where once you felt you needed it but as soon as you felt you didn't it became unappreciated and I became a bitch. You can talk shit about me all you want and I will take it because I admit that I made some mistakes with you, but I am secure in knowing that regardless of the mistakes I made, I am a good person and just because you are not does not mean I need to be insulted by your pathetic attempt to make yourself feel like what you're doing isn't wrong. One of these days you are going to grow up and then you'll have regrets that could have been avoided. But me telling you this is only me being a bitch, not me trying to help so pretend I didn't say anything. Fuck it.