News

-

"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

---

mood: bellicose
now playing: scorpions
vocabulary: bemused

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

So I went and read through every single entry of your diary. I read through over a year's worth of thoughts, and for a lot of that time not a diary entry went by without you speaking to me or about me, in happiness. You thanked me, you said you trusted me, you said you loved that I was your friend, you said that I made you laugh, and you said you truly miss me when I'm not around. I read the inner turmoil you were feeling in those months. I read the things where you gave a sidenote warning that no one would understand what you were referring to..but I understand, still. You made reference to certain things and I remembered the days like they were just yesterday.

Then I watched it slowly...crumble. I watched myself fall deeper into loathing, for self and others and I watched how I hurt you, and how you didn't even appear hurt--you never do. You hide it so well.

There are so many things that I want to tell you and ask you and hope you'll understand. I feel you'd be ashamed of me because you'd feel I am being foolish and not paying attention to what was..but then I'd say there was one thing about you that I never understood. I would let you know of the secret motives I always had.

Sure, reading some of your entires makes me ashamed of myself for what I'm doing but it's unexplainable. Somehow I know it will work for me, or I hope against hope that it will because I can't afford to be hurt again, not as much as I have the potential to be hurt in this.

Oh what I would give to fix you and to fix me and have a friendship again, based on what friendships should be based on. I feel like I am walking down a road stepping over your footprints with my bigger footprints and making it appear as though yours were never there.

I even feel jealous of you,no, not you..but what you had...and what you threw away. I wouldn't take your troubles, no, and I wouldn't take your choices, but I'd take what you were given and I'd love it.

I don't know what I am trying to say, but I am so overcome with grief and shame and confusion, it's obnoxious.

I just want a minute of your time. I just want you to listen to me, truly listen.

I want to know that you're ok....and I want to pretend you never existed.

I want to cry now.

Check you later,

Jenn

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by...and it led into a cul-de-sac.