News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood:
now playing: deep purple-hush
vocabulary:

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I kind of want to go home.

I mean, everything is awesome here. The weather is great and I love the language and I am learning so much (with help from el prisoniero de azkaban) but I just sort of feel like, "Ok, been here and done that it's time to go home."

I think I am just afraid that people won't miss me.

There are people who come into your life that are waves and then there are people who are ripples. I feel I have gone from a wave to a ripple. It is all my fault. It is my own insanity, my paranoia, my hatred that has caused it, but is it so irreversible?

It has caused failures with guys, not failures with relationships because the only guys I ever fully had romantic relationships were guys where sustaining the relationship would have been detrimental to my health. But, I could have avoided the wrong guys and been with the right guys had I just been a little more proud to be me. If I would let myself be hurt then I would not be so hurt. I know that doesn't seem to make sense but it does to me. I am avoiding one kind of pain and accepting another. I would rather have any pain but that of rejection. So quite often I accept the pain of regret rather than rejection.

Being down here is helping me a lot. My roommate is so kickass and she and I are a lot alike...and so very different. She has an intense amount of confidence and she is helping me to realize that it is more about the way I see myself than the fear of how others may see me. When I think back to all the cool people that I have forfeited in my life I am very sad. Maybe it is not too late. Perhaps a few of them are salvageable, but I am not going to get my hopes up. Like Gus likes to say, "If something happens then it happens but don't give up things by waiting."

I would very much like for Chris to come down here. In about a week it is the anniversary of his brother's death and it is bound to be a very hard time for his family. Maybe toward the end of February it would be a very good pick me up for him to get out of town. His mom seems to love the idea if he wasn't lying when he said he came home from work and she was looking up flights to Uruguay on the internet. Cracks me up. She loves it that a female is having any relationship whatsoever with her son, even that of friend.

I would love to be able to have more contact with Gus and Jose, the e-mailless friends of mine. I can call but there is so much to say that I forget it all trying to remember. I wrote them both 4 or 5 page letters and I do hope they write back, though for them to receive and respond will be about a month, if I get any response at all.

I hope to hear from Ems again. I hope my job at Pie in the Sky is still there when I return. If not I will just have to go elsewhere and perhaps my spanish-speaking status will be a benefit in the job market. At the rate I am going I could very well be fluent by the end. It's only been a week and a half and I have made vast improvements and can carry on conversations for hours in spanish only.

I miss my puppy and my kitties. I miss my friends. I miss my puppy. My mom said puppy still waits by the door for me to come home every night. How tragic. By the time I return he'll have forgotten me.

Anywho, my professor and I are going to go see mystic river so I will have to check you later,

jenn