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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

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My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I am going fucking insane. Living with your ex-boyfriend is seriously detrimental to the dating process.

I think that almost all of my friends with the exception of Amanda don't even care to come over because he's here. I just keep trying to look at my options and I don't have any.

Due to the fact that I am attempting to go out with his brother, kicking him out could prove to be very harmful considering if his brother and I worked out then I'd have a few run-ins with the in-laws.

Today I was extremely angry because it's hard to get to know someone when your ex-boyfriend is living with you and I didn't know how to convey my feelings so I just lay on the couch with my hands over my face and he comes over, "Are you mad at me? What's wrong?"

Then..THEN he says, "Are you mad that I am leaving?" (This is a reference to the fact that he wants to move back to Texas but expects to live with me for another month and a half while I take him to work and wherever else the hell he has to go because he's not buying a car since he's not staying and he has to save up money so he can buy his first set of drugs to sell so he can be back in business). I said I wasn't mad and he says, "You know you can't have both of us."

Now this really set me off. I was furious. He is the one who told me he -wanted- me to date his brother.

So then he says, "You can't care about both of us, we don't work like that."

Jenn says, "Umm, excuse me, does not your mother care about both of you simulataneously? And your sisters? What the fuck?"

Then I just keep crying and my crying pisses him off because he knows it's his fault every fucking time and he starts tearing the apartment apart looking for his pipe. He starts throwing dvds and tapes out of the entertainment center onto the ground like a little two year old throwing a temper tantrum and then after doing that for some time while muttering angrily and growling he finds it on the fucking counter of the bathroom where he left it. Then he says, "Sorry, I'm a dumbass," as if it makes it any better.

How the fuck am I supposed to live like this for another month and a half?

I don't smoke pot. I don't drink. I even quit smoking cigarettes. I can't get close to his brother yet because he's always there, he's always fucking there and his brother has too much respect to get close to me in front of Jerry. I have never even -touched- his brother, not so much as a handshake that I can remember. I have no comfort. All I want is someone to sit close to on the couch who can put his arm around me and let me fucking know that everything is going to be ok. I have no comfort right now. I am not going to turn to drugs or anything else, but I am slowly deteriorating.

I can't live like this.

I'm not fucking strong enough.

I am going to go read now, the only peace I have these days.

Check you later,

Jenn