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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: frustrated
now playing: zeppelin-black dog
vocabulary: slow

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I swear to God, my life is so messed up right now it isn't even funny. Well, actually, it's very funny if you're on the outside looking in.

Yesterday I very nearly called my apartment complex to have the locks changed. Jerry and I had fought all night and all morning, lots of yelling and cussing. I said everything to his face that I'd been saying all along. I called Gus and asked if I kicked Jerry out if he'd be mad at me and threw it in my face, "You guys really made a mistake in rushing in...blah blah blah." Everytime he says this it's like a stab in the heart. I hate that it reflects on me so poorly. I was honestly not me. I was taking medicine that made me unable to think and feel. When I was supposed to feel angry I felt cold apathy. The second I stopped taking the medicine it was like everything came into focus, I had lowered the rose-tinted glasses. I started crying every night for appparently no reason. I could think again, and I could feel, and I didn't like what I was thinking and feeling.

The saddest thing is that my mom tried to tell me that it was only the medicine talking but my hatred for her prevented me from listening. I feel so stupid. It's the thorn in my side. I explained all this to Gus and he said, "We learn from our mistakes."

So now we get to last night.

Last night I went to go see Bad Boys II with Gus, Mike and Kim(the people he lives with), and Mike's brother and Mike's brother's girlfriend. Jerry had given me some advice. He said Gus needs affection and love but he's too scared to initiate anything. I don't know why he was telling me this. I think he gets the impression that I want to fuck his brother's brains out when really I am just looking for a real, solid relationship right now--not a fuck buddy. This dates back to a few nights ago when he was evidently really horny because he asked me to give him a hug and then tried to fuck me and I said, "I don't care about sex, blah blah, wait as long as it takes just for a chance to date your brother, yada, yada." He thinks this means that it's a goal for me to make that waiting time as little as possible. This is not true. However, his advice was this, "Take his hand during the movie and just see if he recoils in disgust, it's what he wants."

Now I have an incredible fear of affection. It is attributed to my childhood in so many ways that if one reason didn't cause it then another surely did, I've got about 5 different reasons that could be the main contributing factors. I can go weeks in a relationship without kissing someone. I have gone years in a friendship before realizing that friends were supposed to hug (Lisa can attest to this). It just doesn't seem natural to me because touch frightens me. My fear of rejection runs deep.

So all throughout the movie I was like, "I should do this now..." but I never felt like there was a good moment. After the movie he was going to walk me to my car like a gentleman and I asked if I could take him home because he wouldn't get to sleep any later but I'd get to enjoy his company for that much longer. He said sure. When we got to the house we talked some and it was fun and as he was getting out I said, "Can I ask a weird question?" and then I said, "Am I allowed to touch you? I mean, like, I really wanted to just hold your hand but I didn't know if I could or not." And you know what he said (this is the real kicker), "I thought we were taking this slow? I thought we were just hanging out and having fun? You and my brother just got out of a relationship." Man, blow right to the balls that would be if I had any. All I could say was, "You call that a relationship?" He laughed slightly but the whole exhange made me feel stupid. My first reaction was to get defensive(of course), "Gees, your brother keeps giving me all this horrible advice." and he said, "Don't listen to a thing my brother says." Then I felt of course that I had dealt irreparable damage and had to apologize if I had weirded him out or whatnot and explain to me that it actually relieves a lot of pressure for me to know that I was not deficient in some way. He asked how old I was..he was never told by me or his brother. How embarrassing. I tried to explain to him how I felt like a five year old, how I have never told someone I liked him when it's actually someone who meets my standards because I always feel inferior and yada, yada, yada. It was a disaster. I just hope this doesn't make him not want to hang out with me again any time soon. I am such a spaz!

Now for the whacked out part of my evening--coming home. I came home and Jerry was asleep in the bedroom (I sleep in the living room so I can fall asleep watching movies) and I went in to give him a hug and he pulled away from me. I said, "Whatever," and walked out. A few minutes later I hear doors slamming, the toilet flushing and then a few minutes after that Jerry comes out of the room fully dressed and makes a dramatic show of taking his key off the keyring and walking out. I got up and locked the door behind him because I honestly didn't give a shit. A few minutes later he tried to open the locked door and I went and opened it and looked down the hall as he rushed away,"Do you need something?" "No."

So I shut the door and got into bed. Then he came back again, I opened the door, he came pushing past me saying, "I'll be out tomorrow, you act like a fucking friend and then stab me in the back." Now this required some action on my part because I was terribly confused. I got up and went to the door of the bedroom and he was lying in the bed and I said, "How did I stab you in the back exactly?" He said "Leave me alone."

"You can't say something like that and then expect to be able to just tell me to leave you alone." After that he didn't say anything, he just rubbed the blades of two knives together, sitting cross-legged on the bed staring at a fixed point on the wall. He would not move his eyes, he just rubbed two kitchen knives together. I decided fuck it and went into the other room and as soon as I shut the door he yelled something after me and I couldn't hear him. It was like, "You left me here, something something something."

I ran into the room and asked for him to repeat it. He wouldn't. I said, "If you could say it once then you can say it again." Then he points to the clock and says, "The movie started at eleven and it's 3:30."

"No, I did not fuck your brother."

"Yeah, like I am supposed to believe that."

Then I related the whole story about what really happened and I think that made him feel very stupid seeing as how it was the complete opposite and my screaming, "I haven't even touched your brother, not so much as a fucking handshake!" really drove it home. Then he decides to say that he's not angry about that, that it's really because Laura didn't call him and he thinks she's back to her "old antics" or whatever. I said, "Don't take your shit out on me, you made your bed now lie in it," and walked out. I swear, I can't win.

Now it's 1:30 pm and I have just barely woken up and all I can do is think about how I feel like I fucked up so much with Gus by being retarded and not just letting things happen naturally. I feel...very angry with myself. I feel even angrier with Jerry. I need some friends to hang out with me and make me realize that there are other things in life.

Check you later,

Jenn