News

-

"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

---

mood: acquiesence(sp?)
now playing: Hudsucker Proxy
vocabulary: imbecile

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I fucked up big time last night. I guess Saturday night with Gus really messed some things up. He probably thinks he's a piece of meat to me and no good unless I have some promise of some physical lovin' when that isn't it at all. I don't care about that. What I care about is having someone to put his arms around me and make me feel like everything is going to be ok. Right now the closest thing I have to that is Jerry.

Sure, I guess I still have feelings for him, but it's not him--it's how comfortable he makes me feel. When he is with me I feel very safe--mentally, emotionally, physically. I can't explain why. But then he told me the age of his ex-girlfriend that evidently wants him back..she is 18. Since they had dated for 3 years then that would mean she was 15...and he would have been 24...or 25..one of those. If he wants to know why she slept around it's because she's fucking young. I know how it goes. I am a different person than I was just one year ago. Two years ago was even more insane and damn, the difference between me now and me at 14 is immeasurable--several people can attest to that. The problem is..I don't think that I am done changing. I don't think she's done changing either and I hate to tell Jerry that most girls who date significantly older guys are just merely looking for someone to reach out to. A father-like boyfriend who she knows will stick around because he's already lived his life. He is just a sure thing to her. In a world full of confusion she knows she can fuck around him, run off and party, do her coke, do her heroin, and he'll still be there because he doesn't want those three years to be wasted.

When he told me her age I just thought, "That poor girl." This means that when they met she was doing cocaine and heroine and that was at 15..or maybe 14 and that makes me want to cry. That means the huge overdose Jerry was talking about that landed her in the hospital was at 16. Seeing things on a timeline makes me realize how much I appreciate the things I never did in my life. It also makes me realize that Jerry needs this girl since she's the one who fucked him up as far as women go, and this girl needs Jerry because she's all sorts of fucked up.

Now unfortunately, I think Gus has decided that I am an obsessive psycho bitch. I guess I am. I was trying to prove to him complete and utter devotion since I felt the need (living with my ex and all) but what I realized was that I was showing devotion and loyalty to a relationship that existed only in my head. When he said, "I thought we were just hanging out and having fun" I felt the most amount of shame and sadness because it's true. Not only is it true, it's what I asked for. I think I just needed someone to go to who could fill the void that I wanted Jerry leaving to create. Right now when I am feeling down the only arms I can run to are Jerry's and that's not good since Jerry still wants me in more ways than one. I was looking for a way to avoid going to Jerry for affectionate comfort lest he think it was an open opportunity to get me into bed.

I think I have given up on Gus. I think my problem is that too many times I have let guys in my life whom I have absolutely adored go by without even trying because I knew in my head that I wasn't good enough without ever giving them the change to make that decision themselves. This is the first time I was telling someone I truly respected how much I cared about him, opening up for rejection and not getting any real validation from him that I could see. The validation was his willingness to just be with me with no promises from me, to do whatever I wanted to do and enjoy it. He was going to paint pottery with me despite his first reaction of disgust at the idea. He said he'd draw my portrait--something I've always wanted done. He liked making me happy while we were out but I was too insecure. Those things weren't big enough to pad my deflated ego. They didn't last past the day they were said or done. Two days later I felt alone and unwanted and I can't even explain it.

Last night he didn't return my voicemail. I drove around crying and seriously wanting to die (can anyone say childish, immature, and unstable?) because I felt like I had nothing, no one, friends or otherwise. I never get to go anywhere with my friends because Koziura evidently hates me and if I am there then the next time I am not they'll never hear the end of it. Then I remembered that I have a friend who always calls me when he's having a party or hanging out with friends and the last time he'd called I forgotten to call back because I was supposed to hang out with Gus that night. Beau. Beau has been my friend since I even moved to Tennessee and he and Sarah have never ditched me. Knowing that there is even one person and then even two is enough for me to take a step back and realize how many more there are. There was Keith who kept trying to hang out with me but I wouldn't hang out with him because I had a boyfriend (Sean-at the time) and then Jaun at work who screams, "Me gusta como te vez" when I go to pick up my check from work (which means 'I like the way you look,' or so I am told). I am not going to call Gus anymore. I am not going to smother him or worry about it. I think about how I feel like Gus is the only person to come around who met all my standards who was actually interested in me. In reality he was the only one who met all my standards who I allowed to be interested in me. I know I could trust him fully in a relationship because he'd never cheat on any girl and he'd treat them like a queen. I think I've done gone and fucked it up though so I am going to back off and he knows where to find me.

If anyone has any advice or even still reads this piece of crap,

drop me a line.

Check you later,

Jenn