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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: exhausted
now playing: alanis morrissette-you oughtta know
vocabulary: sanity

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I cannot begin to explain the confusion I am feeling right now. One minute everything was perfect and somehow one little phrase, question, taken out of its proper context has turned my world upside down. It�s been 4 days since then and he has not called me once. I have talked to him once (besides the oodles of messages I left him) and that instance he was all fine and dandy with me like nothing is wrong and yet he hasn�t returned my voicemails at all. Maybe he hasn�t even listened to them. Who knows? All I know is that I can no longer expect that some time out of the blue he is just going to call like there wasn�t some lapse in communication. Somehow he�s going to have this giant explanation for not returning my calls, for not returning his brother�s calls, for being an asshole to everyone at work to the extent that several others have noticed.

I am not so self-centered to think that all of his strange behavior is attributed to me, that gives me way too much importance in another human being�s life, but what I can assume is that whatever is stressing him out does not leave him time to deal with me and figure out of I am some crazy bitch trying to get into his pants because dating his brother just didn�t do.

Seriously though, I asked if I could hold his hand and he reacted like I was asking hold parts of his middle region. I can�t win. That is what it all comes down to. Jerry is in my apartment on my telephone talking to Laura as I am stuck in the bedroom typing my heart out onto a word document which I will copy and paste promptly into this here diary entry you are reading since I can�t sign online whilst Jerry is on the phone.

�If I could pick a guy he�d be 6�3� and 220 pounds.� Ironically there is this cutely goofy looking guy that just got hired at McDonald�s and Jerry said he was a pro on the register the first day and hasn�t made a single mistake. Now, it�s sad that I judge people�s intelligence by how fast they can learn a register, but you have not seen a dumb person try to learn the register�DAMN. Anywho, he�s really tall and he looks like�a dork. He looks like he might be fun to hang out with. I am not ready to date because I am not secure with myself and I realize that now. I can�t date someone when any little thing makes me freak out and feel like it�s all over. Granted, a lot of the time I end up being right but that only feeds it! It�s like a fucking self-fulfilling prophecy phenomenon. What I am looking for is a stable group of friends like I used to feel I had. I have to get over the fact that Amanda is going away to college and the only person I could truly count on is going to be states away from me. I have to get over the fact that Lisa and Brian and Jamie and Nick and Sean and Gordon and Brynnie and Annabelle and Steve and JR and all of them might as well be hundreds of miles away, because emotionally and psychologically they already are.

I don�t even know what to say about the other people whom I consider friends. They seem so far away too but I don�t know if it�s them or me. I feel like I tried to dig my way to China and got caught somewhere in between and I can see the lights at the ends of both directions, but find myself unable to go either way. I feel like my life needs a drastic change. I feel like transplanting myself into another state, with all new people and all new scenery. I feel like trying to fix myself once and for all and starting fresh with me that I love, somewhere where the people don�t know about the old me. It worked when I moved to Tennessee. I went from being an oddball little girl with few friends and all too many enemies to having tons of friends. I guess being weird and a freak became �in� and rather than be made an outcast involuntarily I was boosted up high socially�involuntarily. Too bad I soared high and crashed bad.

My brother just called asking when I was going to buy him a washer and dryer to pay for the system that was in the car he sold me. I told him he�s just going to have to take it out because I can�t afford it. Then I started crying. I didn�t want him to know I was crying so all was silent until I calmed myself enough to say, �Talk to you next week.� I don�t think the system matters so much to me as the fact that it was something that Gus admired. It was another connection to one of those sides of the tunnel I am stuck in, a push farther in that direction, and any direction would work right now.

I found myself telling Jerry (Ironically since I am the one who dumped him) that after he goes back to Texas that if within two months things aren�t going how he�d like then he can move back here and we�ll live happily ever after. Ha. Hahahahaha.

Ok, so, hrm. Gus just called me. He said he�s been getting my messages but has just been working so much he just comes home, showers, crashes into bed then does it all over again. He said when I called the last time and left the message, �Hey, this is Jenn, I understand, I won�t call you anymore, but your brother would like to talk to you.� (Yes, I am that crazy), he was in Kroger and had his phone off. He said someone at work was suspended and he�s just been working too hard. I told him when things cool down to give me a call. But now he�s talking to Jerry and Jerry is speaking in Spanish, so I am not quite sure what they are talking about. Damn, I want to be bilingual. But, regardless, he says that things are fine, well, between us anyway, and he just doesn�t have any time for fun right now. He�s gots thems bills, you know what I�m saying?

Ahhh, life. In seven days Jerry is supposed to move out of my apartment..where to�who knows? He can�t live with Gus because Gus is paying 300 a month to live in a bedroom of his friend�s house. Not cool. Who can he live with? Rebecca, the store manager at McDonald�s let Sonya (another manager at the same status of Jerry) live with her when Sonya had nowhere to go, but I am not sure it�s kosher with a member of the opposite sex. She could probably get fired for that, fraternizing with the inferiors and all. I don�t know, but more importantly, I have begun to realize it�s not my problem, a good realization to come to. I am not responsible for the fact that he decided he wanted to date me when he wasn�t over his ex-girlfriend.

My life is a fucking roller coaster. I could go on and on and feel I already have. If you made it this far, thanks, you�re a good friend.

Check you later,

Jenn

I think..I could make a decent soap opera out of my diary entries.