News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: anger/frustration
now playing: alanis-all I really want
vocabulary:

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I hate it when people tell me I am beautiful. It makes me furious.

I guess it's just something your friends have to say, but it doesn't matter when you can't date a decent guy because someone is always more beautiful than you are.

It always made me angry when guys would hang out with me as much as or more than they would hang out with their girlfriends and yet I was never a consideration for a girlfriend because...because why? There's a reason. It's not a good fucking reason but it's the reason. I like to put more faith in humanity than that but when you keep getting burned and burned over and over again because someone else is there and that someone is actually pretty or skinny or whatever the hell...I just can't get it.

I'm so anxious right now. I am scared and anxious. I don't want my life to be empty. I need to feel...needed...or is it supposed to be wanted? I can never feel wanted and that is why I need to feel needed. Isn't that what they call codependency? I don't need another label stamped on my forehead. I just need to love myself.

I need to give me a reason to love myself. I need to stop judging my own damn self superficially. I need to stop assuming that every single person I come in contact with will do the same.

I need to...just...chill...out.

Why was it I stopped smoking weed and cigarettes? I think I wanted to feel better about myself. There is some other way to cure this anxiety. There has to be.

I am a nutcase tonight. Pardon me.

I'll go back to watching Smackdown now.

Check you later,

Jenn

"Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine."