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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: iffy
now playing: alanis morissette-mary jane
vocabulary: monomaniac

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

Yesterday was crazy. Today was crazy. Yesterday was crazy because for once in my life I put something behind me. Today was crazy because I found a tick on me, had cocktail sauce splashed on me, and was irreversibly weirded out by the book I am reading. My life is looking up. People have called me and I have been inspired to call people and all of a sudden the people I can hang out with has gone from 1 to like, 10. I am very happy. It may just be a momentary happiness but it's happiness nonetheless.

I am perturbed by the fact that I broke down and ate dinner last night, that was the only bad aspect. I think I could have lost a few pounds if I hadn't had that hamburger and my intestines sure would have been a lot happier. Today I had a salad and three chicken strips and a banana and I feel disgusting beyond belief. I feel it's too much and I look forward to being able to start my strictly regimented exercise every day program. I am bound and determined to lose at least 20 pounds by the time I enter the dorms. It is going to happen because I will -make- it happen and I will stop at nothing. I just want some damn confidence, that's all. I think about things. "I hear you're losing weight again, Mary Jaaaane, do you ever wonder who you're losing it for?" I think about that line a lot. I am consumed(no pun intended) but the thought of dieting and weight loss. I think that it's all I need. It's all I need for me to like myself, to just lose 20 more...40 more..50 more. Then someone will say to me, "If you lost 40 pounds you'd be a stick." I just want to say, "Screw you, what do you know about it?" I don't need people telling me things like that, it's counter-productive and it's false. I just feel very much cheated out of a lot of life. I wish that when I was a child I would have known what I know today. I was petrified of high school. I remember asking one of my fat friends when I was in 8th grade if people were nice to her in High School. She said she had a lot of friends and that people grew up in High School. I was still scared to death. What did I do instead? I decided to go all out. I decided that if I was going to receive negative attention then I want to be in control of it. I shaved my head and spiked my hair. It actually, somehow, took me to higher ground. I got really lucky in that, I am assuming, people just sort of figured I didn't care what I looked like so it didn't matter that I was ugly. I somehow got class president and homecoming court(someone was doing some mad voodoo for that one). I was really confident then. Then everything crashed around me. I've not been able to pick up the pieces since then. When I lacked confidence I always had my intelligence to fall back on. I could always just tell myself that I was awesome whenever I wanted and I had the grades and class rank to prove it. After Sophomore year I had neither and I was looked at by all my little "gifted" friends as a sort of black sheep, someone who squandered her intelligence. I was held in contempt, looked at with disgust. Nothing I said held the validity it once did. The foundation of my confidence and self-esteem was washed out completely. I can't rebuild the academic standing I once had. I'll never be as free and funny and fun as I was when I had confidence because in order to do that..I need confidence. It's like a circle, being funny and fun builds confidence but it takes confidence. It's like when you're trying to get your first job and everyone wants experienced workers but you can't build experience until you get that first job.

I don't know why the answer to me comes from losing 20-40 pounds. I guess..I just want to feel wanted. I feel like the only guys who want ugly girls are the guys who think that ugly girls are easier to use and more desperate...and for the most part, it's sadly true. I try to build confidence in dating and it's only shattered even worse than before by shallow and dusgusting and retarded guys. Where have all the good guys gone?

Ahh, well, this entry is another proof of my psychosis.

Check you later,

Jenn