News

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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: angry
now playing: warren g-regulate
vocabulary: malfeasance

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

Wow, I don't know what it was. Something snapped inside of me. I knew it when I was talking to Jamie on instant messenger. Something just went sour. My whole night was a bitter...actually...IS a bitter night. I can't describe the feeling or where it came from. It seemed that everything that was said or done was a personal attack on me. I felt everything more deeply than before and took everything straight to where it hurts.

People brought up things that didn't need to be brought up. People hit me in my soft spot, where my skull has not yet fully formed. I think I got to the point where I have climbed the hill and now must come back down. In The Magus...tonight would be the night that starts the disintoxication. All of a sudden, it didn't matter to me anymore. I don't any longer have the need because now I know, for sure, that it's hopeless. I felt very helpless and alone. I appreciated Lisa more. I appreciated Kleinschmidt more. Then I felt even worse. It seems that at my highest point I just have to give up.

I also haven't been sleeping. Havne't been sleeping well? No, just haven't been sleeping. I go to bed, lie in bed, pet the dog, listen to him snooze away. I think about things, well, more accurately, I worry about things. I think about things I said and how they might have been misperceived. I think about things other people said and interpret them in every way possible. Then I get upset. Then I think some more on topics attached to whatever I was worrying about and then I glance at the clock and it says either 4:00 and sometimes 5:00 and then I groan. I forgot that I was even trying to sleep, I forgot that I had not yet even gone to sleep. Then I try...and try...at some point I fall asleep enough to dream..or rather...to nightmare. Then I wake from the nightmare with a shake and the clock says 8 and I get out of bed, walk the dog, and stumble into my parent's bedroom and lay there reading something until I just fall asleep and awake at a phone call at some point, maybe 10,11, maybe later. It's disturbing. I just want to sleep. I am exhausted right now, I am yawning incessantly..but the second I lie down to go to sleep...it won't happen. I am dreading it rather than look forward to the relief of rest...because the rest never comes. No peaceful nights, no nothing.

It could be worse I suppose, I am not having massive canker sores as frequently as before. In fact, right now I don't have a single one in my mouth, that is an improvement. When I had Best Buy added to my list of stress factors, before one went away I'd have another..and another...

I need to go lie in my bed and stare until I nightmare.

Check you later,

Jenn

If anyone knows a cure...do tell. I am desperate.