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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: deep
now playing: our lady peace-somewhere out there
vocabulary: serendipitous

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

So, I've been thinking (that is never good). Something Anil said made me think about a lot of stuff. Also, the essay I wrote today on social vampirism made me think a lot as well.

I think every human has four main drives in his/her life. Physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental. The physical has to do with the senses, the emotional the feelings, the spiritual with enlightenment, and mental with thoughts. In most friendships people are driven to each other by one of these, and in close relationships they are connected by more than one. In intimate relationships they are connected, ideally, by all four.

For some people, any one of their drives is more important than the others. The one that takes precedence in my life is the mental aspect. I will not be friends with someone I have not connected with intellectually. Friends are a result of deep conversations and similar intellectually stimulating activities.

I have found that my closest friends have been connected to me both intellectually and emotionally. An emotional connection, in my humble opinion, is a result of empathy. I need to be able to relate to that person on a higher level through an understanding of the past, present, and future. When I meet someone and feel an instant connection with him/her emotionally, it always turns out that she has experienced some sort of trauma in her life that caused emotions and feelings and thoughts that I can relate to. We understand each other and thus we accept each others eccentricities that are a result of whatever happened in the past. Our friendship is easily maintained.

Another interesting point to bring up is that some people who I consider to be my very best friends, did not experience any trauma in their lives. Take Lisa for example, she is an extremely well-adjusted individual and she is absolutely amazing. I enjoy spending time with her more than any other human on this planet probably. But, our friendship has had extreme ups and downs because the motive behind many of my actions went misunderstood. There was a giant gap in understanding because she couldn't understand why I did or did not do certain things or why I said or did not say certain things. The friendship I love more than any other is the most difficult one to maintain. I am glad that she does not relate to the irrational thoughts I have, but sometimes I wish she'd understand how hard it is for me to do and say certain things.

Now dating is even trickier. I have built myself a wall that I must scale in order to surpass each and every drive in my life. I do this so that I won't get hurt. In dating relationships, the emotional connection is the last one I make and it only happens when I decide for it to. I first look for a mental connection. I look for a good conversationalist who enjoys similar activities. Then I move on to spiritual. The way I define spiritual is the source of power in one's life. I believe that spirituality is to any human what he/she believes to make him/her a better person. A murderer would say that murder is a spiritual act. A Christian would say that generosity and wholesomeness are spiritual. A druggie would say that taking controlled substances is a spiritual act. So, I look for a guy who feels fulfilled by the same thing as I do. Physical connection is a choice for me. I choose to be physically attracted to someone. I see right through them. Physical attraction automatically, by default, accompanies an attraction that involves mental and spiritual drives. So, when those three are satisfied a consideration pops into my head. I decide, "Ok, he's worthy." Then I think, "Ok, am I worthy?" This is where my protection comes from. I don't get emotionally attached to anyone unless I have a guarantee that I will not be hurt by the attachment. I can sometimes go a month into a dating relationship before I am emotionally attached. I can often go through the beginning and end of a dating relationship without ever forming the emotional bond. I pick it up and toss it away with no pain whatsoever at the loss of it.

My ability to drop friendships and boyfriends at the drop of a hat often worries me. I sometimes wonder if I have any emotions at all. Then I think of my friends, the real ones, and I think of everything I would sacrifice for them and I realize that my emotions can be unimaginably strong when I feel safe.

As a result of my stingy emotions, I had a great weekend. Brian, Jamie, Paul and Sean were wonderful to me. Sara, Greg, Chris, Barrett, Meredith, Jeremy and Nancy, and John always leave me feeling enlightened, in more ways than one.

Do I regret being cold? Sometimes, but I sure as hell did not this week. I still have the key to my heart in my hand and only understanding will take it from me.

Ok, time to finish off the last topic of my essay on social vampirism--sex addiction. Lovely.

Wish me luck.

Check you later,

Jenn