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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

What's up?

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mood: resolute
now playing: wilco-she's a jar
vocabulary: sadness

My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I am not going to over-analyze it, I am just not. Well, I can say that all I want but I know that when my mind is not occupied it's going to wander right into those deep crevices of fear and self-loathing.

I got to work and I don't know how to explain it, much like Saturday night I was absolutely subdued. I sat down at my workstation and just...stared. In my line of sight were several people running on treadmills, ages ranging from 18-70 but I didn't see them, I saw nothing. My mind was struggling not to think what I call "bad thoughts," which are the thoughts that I have been putting in my diary recently but quickly covering up with a new entry as soon as I realize that the bad thoughts surfaced. I stared like that for a while and didn't even see it when keith walked by, did a double take and came into my store. He had to wave his hands in front of me for me to realize that he was even there. "Do you usually work Wednesdays?" Well, he knew the answer before he asked because he always comes and works out on Wednesday and I am never there, though Cole tells me he came in when I see her on Thursdays. I told him that I was working it to pick up hours to take off to go to Knoxville but that I am no longer going. He said he was supposed to go to Florida for his fall break but isn't. He asked me if I wanted to take a day trip with him or see a movie. There was a time long ago when him asking me that would have made me giddy for weeks. I give up on things rather quick. We resolved that we both want to travel and that I have a lot of good movies to watch and there are no tenative plans. He may call me, he may not. It's all the same to me. He's a very cool guy, don't get me wrong, but we have never been friends but are trying to pretend like we've been pals for a long time reviving some long lost friendship. No, it's really not at all like that. I guess the problem lies in that I am not quite sure what it is or where it came from but it certainly caused me a lot of confusion this summer.

He went in to work out and I continued to stare. I needed to talk to someone. Nathan said I could call. I did. No answer. I left a message. The message was one of those self-pitying messages, "don't feel obligated to call me back." I can't believe I said that. I would not have called him had I not wanted to talk to him but it's a defense mechanism. I've got to pretend like I only called him out of boredom, not because I really enjoy talking to him. I think I'm retarded.

Keith came back by after working out. I asked him how he liked Red Dragon. He said it was pretty good. I agreed. More talk about him calling me. Which number was my cell number again? The 519? Ok, see you later. --Yeah, certainly an interesting feller.

The rest of work, I am not sure where it went. For some odd reason all the lifeguards decided to actually talk to me today. Usually they come in and I give them the evil eye for making me put my book down, I sell them a coke and chips and they run along on their merry way. The first one..don't even know his name, he's new, made me help him decide what drink he wanted to buy. He didn't even heed my advice so I am not quite sure what the point was. The second was Josh and we talked about calculus and english and literature and favorite teachers and fun stuff. Then Rhett came in(named after gone with the wind) and we talked about college and doing bad things and being strong and sports and then he realized he had to actually get on the stand and ran off. The rest of the time was spent reading Dracula. I tried to work out briefly but I felt really light headed after just one set of working my triceps. Pathetic. I need sleep.

I want to feel special. Damn them all to hell.

Check you later,

Jenn