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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

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My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

I promised I wouldn't cry and I thought I wouldn't but damn, it was inevitable. I don't know how one can wish and wish and wish for something and then when it happens not truly want it to. I led Jerry North on 65 to 40W and told him when I get off on an exit then he's where he's supposed to be. I miss him already. How do you spend every day for 7 months with someone and not miss that someone when he or she is gone? It's impossible. It's like withdrawal. Sure, he pissed me off to no end, but I wasn't alone. He was always there, annoying me or pissing me off or making me laugh or making me smile. Regardless, I miss him and I cried driving down the freeway and hated myself for it because I knew he wasn't doing the same and that hurts. Why would he cry and miss me when he's driving as fast as possible for 18 hours to be with his girlfriend?

In the last week I have seen more of Gus than in the last two months. I told Jerry that if he gets a chance to talk to his brother at all, that I wish he would tell him that I really care about him and that I would like to spend time with him. When Jerry's dad got into town last Sunday we all went to Greyhound to pick him up and then I bought everyone dinner at Captain D's. Monday Gus and Mike fixed my subwoofer in my car. Wednesday Gus bought us all Chinese buffet. Saturday night they met me outside my work and when I got off work we went to see Scary Movie 3. Gus told me that had he known I was going he'd have bought my ticket ahead of time and cursed Jerry for not letting him know. Jerry waited outside the theatre with me while I waited in line and got my ticket and I told him he didn't have to do that and he said, "If I didn't then I would never hear the end of it from my brother." Today Gus gave me a free oil change and worked on my car for me and then took me, Jerry, and his dad out for Mexican food and paid for every one. He said I should bring my car in so he can check out the squeeling sound my stereo is making.

I don't know if I am getting a second chance, but if I am then I hope that I don't fuck it up again this time because Gus is seriously the most perfect guy I have ever met and that is not just some childish infatuation. I respect him more for the way he gave me the cold shoulder because he realized my immaturity when I was blinded to it. He's a genuinely good guy who would treat a girl right and he deserves to be treated like a king.

His dad really likes me I think so maybe I will get to hang out with them even in Jerry's absence and slowly over time I can break the hard exterior wall he's built around himself. He hasn't dated in 4? years because love failed him. I would like to show him that it's possible to meet a girl who won't screw you over.

I'm going straight edge. I don't want to be around people who are doing things that shouldn't be done. I don't want to smoke anymore--anything. I don't want to drink. I think I am even moving back home. I think I have come to a point in my life where I realize that it's just not worth it. If I am not going to be happy then at least I should be happy with myself and as long as my parents can not be proud of me and as long as I feel I am shaming myself then that cannot be achieved.

I will probably get in to Pepperdine and I have to make the decision whether or not to go. Just a chance with Gus is worth staying for but thinking about it makes me feel ridiculous. I think that Lipscomb may be the best for me and if I live at home then it is possible that I would not even have to work really and I could fully embrace Lipscomb and get involved and maybe actually make some friends and maybe I would just enjoy it. I don't know. I just know that I have a couple of months and a lot can happen in a couple of months.

I don't want to cry myself to sleep tonight but I miss having him here so much. No, I don't miss having him here, I miss having anyone here.

I have to keep telling myself that I do have friends and I am not truly alone, but it's hard sometimes to recall whether certain friends ditched me or I ditched them. Sometimes both of those scenarios happen unintentionally. Really, I shouldn't worry about being alone at all when I have been bitching about not having enough time to do my homework. I will have plenty on my plate to keep me busy. It may not be my first choice of activity, but it needs to be done.

I hope Jerry had a good birthday today. I tried my best.

Anywho, I am so incredibly tired and I am going to bounce.

Check you later,

Jenn