2004-09-29 - 7:25 p.m. -
Oh mama I'm in fear for my life from the long arm of the law...
I'm scared.
It's funny, like funny tragic. I have never been given any reason to be as scared as I am. I have probably given more reasons in my lifetime for people to be scared of me than I have ever encountered from other people. Maybe I am still trying to realize that whether or not I have flaws, I do still deserve to be happy. And yet when I am I cannot help but wonder when the joker is going to throw out the final punchline that makes me aware of the fact that I was somehow confusing dreams with reality.
I should really take a hint from myself, but then I don't consider myself to be the most rational individual in the world. I have thoughts of whatever: intimidation, inferiority, and insecurity in any given aspect of my life. But, rather than be able to voice my concerns I write them off as being too embarrassing to even admit. The idea of admitting what tiny little, petty things bother me makes me cringe. I like to think I am more confident and secure than to let things bother me that have no significance now, just have an off chance of having significance later. Why think up scenarios that may never occur? Oh, right, I recall, if you're expecting to fail then it softens the blow of the failure when it comes. Then on the other hand they say if you are expecting to fail then that is one of the largest contributing factors of your failure. Good times.
I can remember my first job. I was so scared. I didn't think I was ________ enough. It turned out that I was more capable than a lot of other people on the job. I was fine. In fact, I was the one who quit. I have quit all of the jobs I have ever had. I have never been fired and I have never found myself in a position where I did not feel job security. And yet whenever I start a new job I am so scared. Maybe I don't have what it takes. Maybe they will find someone better suited. Maybe I was hired out of desperation and they are eagerly seeking my replacement. And the same feelings go toward my human relationships.
There comes a point in every situation that truly matters to you where there ceases to be any more knowledge you can have. You come to a point where you're still running the race but certainty fell in the last lap. When certainty is gone, it's all about faith. Todo es sobre las riesgas. Risk versus reward. The greater the reward, the greater the risk. Ahh, Coach Waller--TINSTAAFL. There is no such thing as a free lunch.
But anyway, each day of training has me more excited and feeling more pumped, and each day I leave training I wonder whether I will be able to incorporate what I have learned effectively and succeed. I should stop worrying about my possible inability to attach text messages to service plans and just decide that I will go into every transaction expecting to attach everything and have a satisfied customer telling his/her friends about me. Tomorrow will worry about itself.
Easier said than done, but such is life.
Now I just wait for my friend to get to the hotel and then have a lovely dinner and laugh and reminisce. Hmm..Mexican or Italian?
Ahh, yes, if you talk to me anytime soon then remind me to tell you about the interesting(and altogether awkward) moment that was shared during training today. It was so bad he had to call a break so we could all regain our composure. Oddly enough, I was somehow at the center of it when I did not say a thing, just heard it and happened to be female. Good times.
Right. Check you later,
Jenn
|
