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"I'm really not that different, you just made me think so."

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My yesterdays....

• Que paso? - 2006-09-10

Uneventful weekend somewhat. I walked out on Toys R Us Saturday morning. It was a combination of boredom and not wanting to put up with the bullshit any longer. They weren't sad to see me go and I know this and it doesn't bother me. I will soon be a manager again it seems at Mickey D's. Yee-haw.

Really, all I want is to just figure things out. I just want to feel like I am where I need to be and I don't feel that right now. I feel very much out of place.

I took a test today and did not do so poorly as I thought I would. I was fretting about my professor's opinion of me and at the same time she worrying that I wasn't liking her class so much so that she told my mom. Very interesting.

Barrett and the band are playing tonight and I would really like to go. Now it just comes down to whether or not I will feel that it's my job to entertain someone or not this evening. I have missed so many things I wanted to do solely because I didn't want certain people to be alone while I was doing something else. That's not my job. THat's not my duty and why I continue to make it so confuses the hell out of me.

My first thought is that I don't like people to do things without me because then they will realize they like it better than being with me. This presents a problem. If you spend so much time with somebody that every possible minute able to be spent with them is, then it is a lot more likely that they -will- enjoy the time without you more than with since it becomes something rare and special.

We crazy people, however, seldom take that into account because the fear blocks all rational thinking.

Today in class I wanted to answer an open question to the class and I didn't have the guts. No one else answered it and finally the professor answered it and I was right. Why? Why is it so hard for me to take such a slight risk of being wrong? I've been wrong lots of times before and never did I run out of a classroom crying. I just don't understand it.

I realized today that I come off as very, very desperate. I am over-eager. This is a major turn off. I need to fix this. People don't appreciate it that you enjoy their company. They like people they have to earn, not people who are just naturally nice. There needs to be a feeling of accomplishment in any relationship and to have someone appear to just like anybody makes them not worth having as a friend.

I don't have many true friends. I have friends that I feel very distant from. I have friends that talk to me occasionally but when we see each other there is this awkwardness present that I cannot manage to get rid of.

I want to feel like a person again.

There is only one person in my life I feel secure enough to give a hug to, and that is my ex-boyfriend. That is sort of sad. When I am down I go to him because rejection from him wouldn't hurt, and he'd seldom reject me anyway. I don't feel like he's disgusted by me, who I am, the sight of me and therefore he is comfortable. Soon he'll be gone, thousands of miles away and I don't have another ex to fill the gap. Current is unthinkable. I'm not stable enough to sustain any kind of relationship right now no matter how much I would want one.

No matter how much "progress" I am making I still feel like I can't reach that point of contentment. I did the whole school thing and now I only feel more and more worthless. I don't know what it's going to take. I don't think anything in the world could make me happy right now. That's kind of scary.